This isn't the first time or even the 100th, I have tried and tried to stop this. I thought I was alone in this suffering, not realizing until this addiction had its teeth into me that I was far gone. I can't go a day without at least going twice, and the years and years of adapting to elevate my pleasure have made it so I need VERY SPECIFIC, VERY PRECISE MOMENTS to even climax. It sucks, it was a big reason why my last relationship didn't last, it's another reason why I'm so self-conscious since ALL the porn I've consumed has everyone looking alike, abs, tall, cut, and a way above penis size. I'm ranting, I'm tired and I climaxed before writing this, the first thing I said out loud when I finished was that I need to stop this, I need to stop jerking it every day, I need to take care of my penis health.

I am so scared that I'm already gone that I see it sometimes as a sense of futility. I have read how it's common to not get hard with someone and that shit scares me like I finally get a girl who wants me like that, and I can't get it up? I keep hearing about 'young kids needing gas station penis pills to get it up, and pretty soon I'm sure Viagra is starting marketing to the youth, I mean they LIVE on the internet and CONSUME a lot of porn. IDK how to endure after so many times restarting. I do know that the FIRST step is to get the porn out of me.

I'm a '90s baby and I have seen the explosion of porn, sexuality, and the incentives to keep elevating these to more extremes. I lurk /r/pornfree, I read the posts of people deleting their TB library of porn or how much it's ruined their self, relationship, and how it warps a mind or rather it's the processing of information and how it changes your perception. Porn does such a good job of subtly making what they present the 'ideal' way of sex and sexuality and I am sure I am not the only man or woman who can't stand how porn makes it so their way is the ideal body type and the ideal sex.

I don't have a big penis, I don't have abs, I'm not tall and at the same time I should only be looking for women who look like those that do porn, or IG or OF, or basically any of the similar-looking women that all the major publishers showcase. The kicker is that I make erotic audios, have made them before, and will do so again in the future. Somehow MAKING the erotic audio is enough for me that I don't need more than that, or rather that I don't process it as a way to get off but rather as a creative outlet. I think that somehow less visual stimulation is helpful, then again it could just be making excuses for why I need to get off.

The longest streak I had was last NNN, I actually went the entire month, it was tough though, there was a moment around the first week where I was ready to quit and just crank it out but I kept seeing how stupid it would be of me to give up. I mean can I really not go without porn, or fapping? It is extremely silly to me that I can't get a handle on this. But then it got easier and there was another moment, about a week before the last day and I was thinking how I'd be able to fap again soon and I took stock of myself and for the briefest of moments I just went 'no, don't need it' but it was a fleeting thought since as soon as I finished NNN, I just went back to it. I need to get better, I WANT to get better, I just need to stop this. Just felt like ranting.