Hey everyone very glad I found this group. I have a sort of problem that I've struggled with for years. (Please excuse my grammar it's really not my Strongest quality) since I learned how to get off I've always lost all of my confidence after masterbation. It was always an issue like something in my head told me 'if you do this tonight you'll lose all of your confidence the next day.' The worst experience I can remember was jerking off and going to school the next day and completely forgetting how to socialize with the people around me. I had to teach myself how conversations work all over again (I've never fully recovered from this.)

The other part that I'm very embarrassed to admit is I had delusions in my head. I'll try and explain this part as best I can. When I was a teenager I'd take the long walk to my girlfriend's house every weekend. I'd listen to music and to motivate me to go faster I'd say something like "if I make it to the stop sign before this part in the song I'll have good luck for the rest of the day." However this moved on to extremes. Like if I do this one thing I'll lose my girlfriend in a week or something like that.

As time went on when I have an upswing, things seem to be going my way, I'm engaging with my partner and I'm being generally likeable. I try not to jerk off because I don't want to lose this feeling of I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD' However when I eventually do give in to my desires I just get back in to that place again of 'holy shit I can barely talk to the person next to me'. Any idea what's going on? Have any of you had a similar problem?

I want to edit this later because I just decided to come clean about this and I want to sound... more clear?

Anyway thank you for your time.

TLTR: I lose any and all confidence after masterbation. Partly due to delusional behavior.