I'm a 30 year old male. And I'm addicted to everything. At least it feels like it. I've been playing video games almost daily since 1998. I smoked cigarettes for 14 years, I have now quit for the last 2 weeks. I realized today that I fap maybe 3 times a day. I deal with rejection poorly. I have social anxiety, depression, a fear of success, and a loneliness that is just barely superseded by a fear of closeness/vulnerability. Any objective analysis of my life shouldn't reveal that I have any of those. I used to do this for fun, but I haven't been to the mountains in Months. I've been places, suffered hardships, and done things that are worth bragging about. But...I don't feel any self worth.

I've spent the last year fun-employed, and I'm now trying to start my own business as a Home Inspector. My finances are dwindling FAST, due to some unexpected expenses these last couple of months. The hardest part of starting the business is that I need to "sell myself" and I suck at sales, but I used to be kick-ass at it. My first ever meeting with a realtor went fantastically, but the following two went so poorly it crippled my ability to go into a new meetings. They went baaaad. I've driven 30 minutes to Open Houses to meet realtors, sat in my car trying to psyche myself only to drive away from anxiety. Once I'm doing the technical work, I perform fantastically.

Enough is enough. I've been reading for years about "X, Y, and Z cause addiction" and the negative effects of addiction. I can't do it anymore and I'm spending the rest of the afternoon figuring out the rules to this when I should be sitting outside of an Open House trying to psyche myself to go in. But, I smoked weed a few hours ago and now I'm terrified they'll know I did and that I am unprofessional. Did I mention that weed is legal where I live?

I'm starting my reboot tomorrow, by waking up at 2am to go hike Longs Peak, the time I have been going to sleep the past few weeks. I'm worried I'm biting off more than I can chew...But, if I never try I'll never know. I'm going to cut myself off of each thing for a different period of time.

Things that must go:

• Fapping - I want to leave the possibility for spending time with a Lady open, but given the way things have been going it will be a PMO. 90 days

• Video Games - I'm going to uninstall them all. I can't cut out computer work all together. Hopefully if I use my computer it will be for legitimate projects I've wanted to work on. 90 days

• Social Media - I want to, but I'm not sure if it wise to lump this in with the rest. All of my real life friends coordinate via FB, and most of the special projects I want to do have tons of helpful information on Reddit and Youtube. Plus, my business requires a social media presence. 30 days

• Weed - The King motivation killer. 30 days

• Movies / TV - I don't remember the last time I was excited to watch something. I'm contemplating deleting my 15 year old, 3 TB large media cache. Which...has no porn in it. At all. I really don't want to though :/ 30 days

• Playing the victim - I don't want to do it, but I do. I must not. 60 years

• Smoking - I already quit. This is only on here for resolve, I guess. I won't be smoking again. Conventional medicine tells me I'm not through the honeymoon period yet. I still won't be smoking again. 60 years

• Uncleanliness - Calling my place filthy would be a stretch. Clothes litter my floor, Coke cans and weed ash litter my desk. The rest is presentable to company at any time. Speaking of...

• Concentrated Sugars - I love Coke, Kit-Kats, cookies....you name it. I eat like shit. It is not only cheaper, it tastes better. $6 for a pound of salmon and some rice veggies, ooooor an energy drink and a kit-kat for $6.50

That's all I can really think of. I wanted to write it down. Type it out I guess this is. Maybe I should write it down. I start my #NoFap now, but I'm jumping in the deep end tomorrow.

On that note if anyone lives in Colorado and wants to wake up when the bars close, climb a 14er, and race a thunderstorm back to the car shoot me a message. It isn't as dangerous as it sounds, and is guaranteed to be an exhilarating experience. It is the standard mountain experience in July.