I haven't been learning my lesson, at all. The whole reason I joined NoFap (and reddit, frankly) was so that I could feel a part of the community and grow with you guys. That's what I said in my first damn post here.

and yet somehow I forgot that, and I've relapsed twice. The first time I didn't even bother to update my counter. It was pure laziness, and shame from knowing that I had failed. It was also the fear of letting you guys know that I failed, and I believe that's what pushed me away. But no one makes the jump the first time, what did I expect from myself?

I just relapsed again earlier today, and I'm fucking tired of that post-fap depression that hits like Tyson in his prime. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I knowingly refuse to get help when I need it and know where to find it? What the hell is my problem??

I posted here because I need to remind myself that this is here. That there are panic buttons, there are friends to be made, people, actual human beings (some anyway), to speak with and enjoy a laugh and story. I don't want to get old, have a son, and be shameful of being wrong or admitting I needed help somewhere along the line and teach him this hard-headedness. It's stupid and leads to isolation and self-centeredness.

I'm sorry to myself for the sexual abuse, and I promise from this fucking moment on to make a very sincere effort to heal and recover from this trauma. Thanks to everyone who reads this, and have a balanced, loving day! :)