I spent the day cleaning and getting the house in better shape internally. I had lots of energy, even with a short night's sleep. Hmmm. WOndered whether I had become manic, or if this was the nofap bonus that has been growing. I had a ambiguous (could be normal, could be an addictive breakout) triggering type event, doesn't matter what it was, and the extra energy split into simultaneous energized nice and depressed NO NO RISKY. I just came apart and went really ditzy, could see the normal response and the dark passenger chomping at the bit. Took a good deal of effort and the patience of online support to work it out.

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/mixed-bipolar-disorder pegs the general splitting of a mixed bipolar response. Except this was really fast and then bled off. I hypothesize that each moment of a type of behavior or reaction is a fractal of a whole big episode with all its characteristics, and that little events show the workings of the larger ones. I could really see the bipolarish excitement / depression at the same time in a pairing with non-addictive feel and flavor at the same time as the dark sterile addictive flavor. That pairing of pairs is like being torn apart. I learned a lot about really being me, about coming back from the edge of the whirlpool, about recovery.

Whole bunch of tears inside that box. My therapist will hear about this.

Thought that might be a useful glimpse. Going to go to sleep out here by the woodstove. This chill weather stuff really sucks.