Intro

I will never live without these urges. It's time for me to learn to control them, to learn to say no to carnal pleasures. I've been heavily addicted to pornography and masturbation for the past 13 years, ever since I started in middle school. Over that time, I'd estimate I've seen 250,000 nude women on my phone screen, and only a handful in real life. I've ruined my self esteem, and tanked several relationships with intelligent, beautiful women. I've destroyed my sense of self worth, developed kinks that disgust me, and nurtured a toxic mindset in which I view all women as sex objects. I've emotionally scarred people I loved, root causes for which can all be traced back (directly or indirectly) to this damned addiction. For fuck's sake, one of the reasons my last relationship ended was because my self-esteem was so low that I thought I never deserved her in the first place, that I could never make her happy in the long term with this black cloud hanging over my head. I broke up with my best friend and the woman I loved for 2 years because I could only see myself dragging her down to my level. This is no way to live life -- a slow death by 1000 cuts, a gradual downward spiral. I have a responsibility to myself and others to get my shit together. I want freedom from this mental prison.

Intention

I've tried to quit by myself more times than I can count, and I've never gotten past 14 days abstinence from PMO, even though I've been to 13 days probably a dozen times before. This time, I will do it. I've encountered all the common pitfalls and documented them, so I have a good knowledge of my triggers. What I need now is a plan, and I need the strength to execute the plan. I plan to accomplish 90 days with a gradual lifestyle change and the pairing of my abstinence goal with a twin fitness goal. I'll also document some of the strategies and tactics I plan to use for conquering triggers.

Goal

• 90 days free from PMO
• Able to do 10x un-assisted pull-up by end of 90 days (I'm far away from even 1x pull-up, but I believe this is an attainable stretch goal)

Strategies

• Sign up for therapy to untangle the complex psychological damage I've inflicted upon myself
• Kill all "solo free time" by working more hours, enjoying hobbies, socializing with friends, or working out
• Work out in mornings 5x per week
• Thoroughly document this period with daily journaling and reflection
• Find an accountability partner to check in with

Tactics

• "No phone in bed" rule
• Wear pajamas to sleep (no casual nudity)
• Keep door to bedroom open at all times
• Deletion of all porn accounts, stashes, etc.
• Horse blinders (set up screen time limits, ad block website restrictions, reddit show NSFW content off)
• Plan out the next day the night before
• Make weekend plans with friends
• Work more hours (as long as stress is manageable and does not lead to trigger)
• Avoid known sources of triggers (NSFW side of reddit, insta)
• Monitor sources of sources of triggers (free time, loneliness, boredom, drunkenness, stress)
• Volunteer after work
• Talk with a friend once per day
• Talk with a parent once per day
• keep room clean
• keep laundry clean
• keep kitchen clean
• have an emergency plan for relapse (immediately stand up, walk to kitchen and grab glass of water)
• have an emergency plan for low mental states (if sad, sit in living room and try to talk to roommate, if stressed go to driving range or on a walk, if bored go to a cafe and read, if lonely talk to friends or parents, if unhappy clean something or de-clutter)
• no dating apps
• listen to more music
• make bed in the morning and don't return until ready to sleep
• leave the house at least once per day
• don't miss meals

Conclusion

It can be done, it has been done by others before me. I can do this, I will do this, I must do this. This is one hurdle I've never been able to clear, likely the hardest challenge I have faced in my life, and it's all for something so silly as not beating my meat for 90 days. If I fail, like I have so many times before, I will treat myself with compassion and grace, I will not spiral. I'll just reset the clock with a smile and get back on target. My heart and mind are in this 100%, the only thing left is to get my body on board too. Wish me luck and strength!

P.S. if anyone is interested in an accountability partner, I am in need of one too!