My life is completely meaningless to me. I find no joy in living my day-to-day life. I work on several so-called "delayed gratification" projects everyday. I persistently work after my goals for future benefit, but I want some happiness now, too. Everything is long-term, long-term. I'm tired of it. I will keep working on my goals, but I really do need something I can just enjoy right away for once.

And what ends up happening is that porn and masturbation are the only things that can actually excite me a lot and make me feel really good, even if it's just for a bit.

I find myself turning to porn a lot more on days I'm at home. Normally going to uni either takes out a lot of time or gives me something to look forward to (not much tbh but still). I understand I am using a short-term fix (porn) to a long-term problem (lasting dissatisfaction and discontentment).

However, nothing really makes me feel joy or satisfied for long. I mean, not like fapping does much beyond the fifteen minutes of it, either, but....it still feels like the better option over getting nothing.

I'm stumped.