A surgery got canceled and I have start over a very tedious process of seeking out a doctor, figuring out if he is compatible with my health insurance, and then going onto get letters of support. I have been through this process now more than four times, games, letters, written, getting things approved, only for something in this process to eventually break or be rejected. It’s just been a clumsy process, dragged out for years, and it’s frankly the reason I even turned to something like nitrous to cope.

So having all this come ahead, has been very frustrating and distracting. Since returning to work from my traumatic brain injury, I have been hopeful until this moment, and now I am tempted to relapse.

There is a new store close to me, and it is open later than the store that I used to go to. The shop owner is very friendly, and has not seen me in my most frazzled states.

I have a goodly portion of cash saved aside for surgeries and or Emergency expense, I could just sit here for six months or so and just get gassed up. It is tempting when nothing matters, is tempting when I can’t get my medication’s filled, when I can’t get my social needs met, I can’t get my medical needs met in the context of surgery or support mechanisms. Only last year I was diagnosed with autism, and learning of all the vast resources that are granted to children and adolescence and young adults.

For the past few years, I have learned of a number of health conditions that I have explained well chronic pain and chronic fatigue, and just right now in this moment, waiting for the gabapentin to kick in, I am tempted to take nitrous.

I know that after my experiences with ketamine, there is a very good chance that I will have intense nausea from nitrous. So, I probably won’t bother. Tomorrow, I’m going to get more ketamine through my doctor.

I don’t know, I just need to rant I suppose, and admit that I have desire to take some nitrous, even though I’m trying to not do that to myself.

Speaking from experience, I would assume that if I would’ve taken any nitrous, I would only feel that much more sad and dejected about the world right now. Since I have no desire to intensify the emotions I am currently feeling, I should put off these ideas.