Hello All,

I need some guidance on how to handle my situation. I started using MJ for a few months now (got my NY MMJ card a few weeks ago) but have not told my partner about this. Things are a bit messy as I have a history of substance abuse and consider my self sober 7 years still. It took me a lot of reflection to be ok with my self at this point, duality of using MMJ but still consider my self sober and that decision I have made.

I am honestly a completely new person since using MMJ, my main use is for sleep as I have never been able to naturally sleep my entire life. I was taking non-addictive Rx sleeping medicine for over 10 years at this point and I have been able to wean my self off of them. I’m not sleeping as well with out them, but I change my thought process on that and have main personal growth. As in, I don’t see being up at night as the end of the world any more, I see it as a time to enjoy being medicated (I don’t like using the word high because of my past) and going on self reflection. Despite sleeping less hours I’m able to wake up for for once in my life and I final feel somewhat In control of my sleep wake cycle for the first time ever really.

I also have aspergers and ADHD and I feel medical cannabis has helped with that as well. I feel I am able to break out of my rigid mindset while being medicated. This let me to finally after years of ignoring the mess in our apartment start cleaning up.

I have been dropping subtle hints of a change I have made to my husband but have obviously not told him yet. I feel horrible lying to him about being high, well I guess I am not lying as he no anyone else is able to tell I am high or at least no one has told me so. I liberally use eyedrops to hide my use and all of this brings back bad memory’s of when I was abusing drugs. He does know I was taking OTC gummy’s at one point and he saw me smoke weed so it won’t be a gigantic shock when I tell him.

I love my husband more than anything, we just celebrate one year of being married. I’m crying my eyes out writing this I want to tell him so bad that I am getting high and a MMJ card holder but am so afraid of his reaction. We have never fought in our 6 years of dating each other so I am not worried he will leave me or anything but the fact I can’t 100% rule that out scares me.

I made my self a promise I would never lie or hide substance (ab)use ever again and I failed that but I know I did not do it in the name of getting high. I have made so many positive changes since using cannabis again. I made an appointment with a MMJ Counselor and told her the whole truth of my past and my situation. She put me at ease about possible mental health implications of my MMJ use and said that in people with symptom clusters such as my self, the natural ECS may be unregulated, hence the use of MJ helps control symptoms.

I am restricted ATM to only non flower MMJ consumption and know that once I come out I will have more treatment options.

This post is part therapy and part asking you all of help on how I should approach this situation. If I am being honest there have been some negatives with my MMJ use but a lot of those will be mitigated once my husband knows of my use and I can use without having to hide it. I am so scared to tell him but I know I can’t keep hiding it from him. I know he will have to look at things from a rational way and see all of my growth with MMJ use and agree I should still use it.

Thank you for taking the time to read, if you have any suggestions on how I should approach this I would be most grateful:)