I'm 4wpp today. Baby girl was in the NICU for a few days after birth, where they fed her copious amounts of formula. I understand why they did it, but I believe that it immediately hurt my chances of ever producing enough milk. She latched only once in the hospital, immediately after birth. After bringing her home, she would not latch, so I began pumping. I just now started to get her to latch maybe once a day, but she can't get all that much. My milk supply was never enough, but has consistently diminished over the last 3 weeks; so I supplemented formula. I can't even get an ounce in most pumping sessions.

I'm heart broken. Devastated. I've tried so much; power pumping, oatmeal, Body Armor, postnatal vitamins, fenugreek in capsule and liquid form (which I think actually decreased my supply), different flange sizes, different pump settings, manual pumps, hand expression, keeping a tight pumping schedule, massages, hot compresses, holding her/watching videos of her/looking at pictures of her while pumping, hydration, lactation cookies, various forms of breast stimulation, you name it. Nothing is working.

My husband has been extremely supportive and has cleaned my pumping supplies every day with a smile. He's comforted me every time I cry when my pumped milk barely covers the bottom surface of the pumping bottle. That gut-wrenching, painful crying. He's told me it's okay to give up. But I don't want to. I want to produce enough for her. It feels instinctual. I know that moms who feed their babies formula are still amazing moms and "fed is best", but it feels like a double standard that I've held myself to. On the rare occasion that she latches, it's a level of bonding that I've never felt before. It's amazing. I don't want to give that up. I hate being in limbo. I wish that I'd either completely dry up or start producing more. Barely producing enough for one feeding in an entire day is so painful, emotionally. It's almost not worth the trouble, but I can't walk away. I can't walk away, but I'm constantly agonizing over it, which creates a vicious cycle of stress further decreasing my supply. Are there any mamas out there feeling this?