*Babies are noisy creatures. Not every cry requires a five-alarm fire response.

*Toots and poops often have indistinguishable smells.

*Changing those particularly hefty diapers is much like walking into the aftermath of a hurricane. Devastation everywhere, nobody was prepared, nobody knows what happened

*Growth spurts are normal at only 2-3 weeks. Upon which time, baby will become a bottomless pit.

*Similarly, babies are also gluttons and will suck down 4oz of formula/milk into a 3oz capacity tummy... then proceed to spit up an entire oz of it in the exact places that are not covered by the burp cloth. Then they'll cry for more milk. Wash, rinse, repeat (literally).

You'll never *not be nervous about mishandling their fragile little heads before the neck muscles develop.

*I started repeating "you're okay, you're okay" every time baby screamed. It took me a little while to realize that I wasn't saying it to baby. I was saying it to myself.

*Whatever parent isn't holding the baby is the burp cloth and pacifier response team.

*For the pumpers, the night stand becomes the pumping station and you can't fit much else there.

*You're also covered in breastmilk all the time.

*You have to run bath time like a special ops mission with blueprints and timed intervals of washing, rinsing, drying, diapering, and dressing with all materials laid out beforehand to avoid eruptions of glass-shattering screams.

*Breastmilk cures literally everything; chapped lips, colds, dry skin, eye infections, male pattern baldness, tennis elbow, poor credit score, etc.

*When you're holding a sleeping baby and can't reach something, you become very creative. I've used my toes to press play/pause on the remote more times than I'd like to admit. Can't reach the remote? Cellphone charger lasso. 👍🏻