It's been roughly a week and a half since my baby was born and I'm really struggling with the loss of control of having a baby. Although maybe not as you think.

In terms of looking after the baby and the irregular schedule, I think I'm mostly fine. I've figured out a routine that allows me and my partner to have ample sleep (for the most part) and the baby isn't overtly difficult to look after, although obviously is time consuming. And when I'm tired, I struggle to do the things I enjoy while baby is sleeping. I genuinely don't mind looking after my baby.

The thing that's really hurting me though is the loss of agency I feel I had over my life, due to the co-dependency of my parent-in-laws helping out with the baby.

It's hard to describe, but it almost feels a bit like when I had roommates. Like they're there to help you, but it feels like my life is being invaded and I guess, I just hate that feeling of dependency. I just want to be independent (even though that may be unreasonable for the time being).

The thing is, they do help with the baby, and they help with meals, but then it also feels transactional. Like they want to be with the baby and for some reason that makes me mad. Cause I'm fairly introverted, and I just feel drained when they're around, even though they don't live with us.

They also make comments like insinuating that we should have a 2nd, and for some reason that makes me mad to.

I guess the takeaway from all this is I just feel so mad all the time, and I'm not usually a mad person, but it sucks.

One thing that helped a bit was figuring out a routine, in terms of what time blocks I have available and what I could in theory do within those blocks. But yeah. I'm just feeling a little hopeless at the moment and I'm not sure what to do.