All my life I was the mama bear in friend groups. I've always loved children.. I babysat, I went to school to work with kids, my career is taking care of people's children.

Now I have my own beautiful baby boy and I'm feeling intense hatred towards what my life has become. The guilt for feeling that is worse.

We struggled to conceive, he is a blessing. This is all I've ever wanted, to be a mom.. and yet I'm so so miserable.

He's 8 months old and still can't sleep independently and I'm too sensitive to sleep train him and let him cry. Everything bad is my fault. I'm not a good mom. I thought I would be. I really did.

I get frustrated with him for just wanting his mommy. All he wants is to be held by me all the time. He loves me so much and how awful of a person am I to resent that?

I find myself fantasizing about being dead, just so I can rest. How absolutely selfish is that?! What is wrong with me?! My baby boy needs me and just because I'm tired I want to leave?

How dare I feel any ill feelings towards this innocent boy that I love with all my heart. I'm his whole world. All he wants is me and instead of being present with him I'm wishing I could go back to life before him and sit on the couch, have a meal and watch tv? Those things are not important.. he is important.

I need to cherish this time with him instead of being a selfish person. I need to hold him all he wants without anger or regret.

I wish I was a better mom.