I’ve made some realizations. I’ve come to some conclusions. I’ve accepted things that I previously couldn’t bring myself to deal with. I’m on a journey that isn’t close to being over. But with that being said, I’m learning to be kind to myself. I hope you can join me in that effort.

Things have been odd for me over the last few years. I’ve met some new people; some of which are still around, some of which are not. But I am thankful for the experience none the less. Perspective was always something I felt like I had a decent amount of. In my reflections over the years, I have realized I was lacking in various ways. I don’t think that truth is deserving of unkind feelings towards myself. I am trying to be accepting of the things I have done in the past, and the choices I have made. I can honestly say that in finding simple ways to be kind to myself, my ability to identify, and form and maintain relationships with others, has improved dramatically. Things aren’t always how we perceive them to be. Even if we know that a situation is in fact a black or white matter, in reality, that may not be the case. In some way, shape, or form. Gray areas have a tendency to hide themselves inside matters of personal, and relationship-oriented situations. With that in mind, I think that kindness is an even more important thing to try to exhibit towards yourself. That truth reinforces itself to me on a daily basis.

Finding motivation has been impossible for me most of my life. Part of me feels like the term “finding” motivation is a bit misguided in a way. Yes, you can find something that drives and inspires you to be better, but for me, I think it was more of a matter of working towards acquiring resolve and closure in certain in relation to certain things in my life. Which I am certainly still working towards. I have sought help from a wonderful psychologist, who I honestly love, and feel very grateful to have. Talking to someone who can relay information to you, in a way that is identifiable, and that can be processed in a constructive way, isn’t something that is always very common. Communication is something that isn’t universal for everyone. Our brains are odd, in the sense that, we all have our own ways of thinking and feeling. How we connect the dots, and process our emotions are totally different from person to person. Having someone who can help you connect those dots can make all of the difference in the world. It did for me. I’ve started to connect the dots on the road map of my life. And for me, that is what it’s going to take to generate motivation and success. That may be the case for you as well. I honestly can’t expect to figure out what will be at the end of my trip, when I haven’t even travelled through, and reached the first few pit stops along the way.

Kindness is honestly something that has helped me tremendously. Not only to aid in the processing of my feelings, relating to current and past situations, but also to provide myself an outlet for release. In the past I would find release in being unkind to myself. In multiple ways. Whether it was punishing myself by binge eating, and telling myself I don’t deserve to be in shape and feel good, or by being toxic towards others, often to the point of destroying relationships and forcing the target of my toxicity to sever contact with me. I did those things to punish myself. It’s strange how the brain justifies that sort of action. To me, it’s weird how something most people would consider to be a negative action, or a negative outcome, I desired, and sought out on purpose. Because it was honestly one of the few things that gave me any kind of relief and comfort. I felt like I was getting what I deserved, for the things I did/have done in the past. And that made me feel like there was a greater sense of order and structure in my life. I was insuring I got what I felt like I deserved from life. Or the universe. Or whatever. You get what I’m saying. It made sense to me to treat myself like I did. Through professional help, and great friendships with a select few people I identified with over the years, I have learned to process things in different ways, and ultimately have figured out ways to reverse my way of existing. As cliché as it sounds, being kind towards others can truly make all the difference in the world. For yourself, and for the recipient of that kindness also. I plan to continue that trend, and continue to build the momentum I need. Being kind has facilitated, and enabled that more than I have ever thought it could.

Generosity is also something I have learned the importance of. Not necessarily monetary generosity, but emotional and social generosity. Being available for a close friend to talk to if needed. Listening. Not fixing, but just listening. That can make all the difference for somebody who needs it. Asking someone how their day is going. Asking someone how they are feeling today. Small things that require you to give back to another person in any way, shape or form, can constitute being generous. Selflessness is an admirable quality to have. But you also can’t over extend yourself, and give more than you have to give in the first place. Being generous, in ways that are within reason, have been an important thing that I have been making a conscious effort to do.

Communication has been something I have also had to learn how to properly exercise with others. The things I did, and the things I said over the years, were a result of my life and state of existence, at that time. I can’t continue to hold those things I perpetrated, and the lack of healthy communication, against myself, that I exhibited during those periods of time in my life. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to hold that against myself anymore. I’m learning to find peace, and let go. I am accepting the realities of the situations I caused due to my past misdeeds. I’ve learned how to express and exhibit healthy emotions and interactions with people in ways I never could when I was younger. For that I am thankful.

Forgiveness is something I have made great strides in. I still have work to do on that front, but I have come to the conclusion that, if we can find ways to forgive ourselves, and others, then the road to finding clarity, closure and purpose will be easier to attain in the long run. I couldn’t, and didn’t, start to find forgiveness until very recently. I couldn’t have achieved that any sooner than I have currently. The reality is, I did the things I did, for reasons unknown the time. Forgiveness is going to be something that I fully achieve in years to come.

Everything has a way of tying itself together. One thing leads to another. Setting a small goal leads to a big success. Any success is worth celebrating. Whether it’s hitting the snooze button one less time in the morning, or brushing your teeth at least one time in the upcoming week, it’s all highly relevant. We do the things we do, for the reasons we do them. Sometimes they’re known, sometimes they aren’t. But what I’ve found, is that the impossible has a way of becoming possible. Even if it isn’t possible, it is. Trying to try on some days, and trying on others, has made the impossible happen for me.

What we do with our lives is our own choice. Nobody can take away the things we have chosen to do. Nor should they. Pursue your own endeavors, regardless of what someone else has to say about them. If you have regrets, try, to try, to start working towards processing them, and moving forward in ways that only you know that you need to. It takes time. Our journey is our own. Mine is different than yours; as long as we trying to make that first step towards being better, than the rest will fall into place at some point. I don’t know when my journey of healing and self-love will end. It’s likely it will never end. And I have accepted that.

These are the things I have learned in my 31 years, as of today. I have much more to learn, but I am on the right track. Be kind to yourself.