Used again and feeling scared that I’ll never be able to get clean, I think no one believes in me even tho they tell me they do, I’m worried I’m a lost cause. But I am tired of degrading myself and living like this and want to make a change.

I feel like I have two personalities. One is me clean, my true self. The other is my addict brain that lies to me in my own voice. I could completely believe what I’m saying about wanting to be clean and then suddenly I’m using again.

“you never have to use again” or “just don’t use” it feels impossible to me.

This morning I sat staring at my sponsor’s phone number in my phone for 30 minutes before I finally called her and was honest with her.

I feel like I’m a piece of shit, don’t deserve peoples support, it should be spent on people who haven’t done the things I’ve done to myself and others. I honestly hate myself.

I have always forever had this sort of internal pain that doesn’t leave, that was my reason to use in the first place.

Destroyed my meth pipe today and threw the bag of broke glass and meth in the dumpster, and I finally blocked the guy I have been using with which I was too afraid to do before bc I didn’t want to close to door “in case of emergencies” which I know is pure stupidity. I know I’m such a fucking idiot.

Just wondering does it really get better? Bc when I hear that I rly have a hard time believing it will for me. Please somebody tell me it actually gets better or I literally don’t know why I’m even trying. I’m so scared of my own mind and I’m exhausted physically and mentally bc I have been awake for days except for the couple hrs sleep last night.

Every time I use, I do something I never would want to do clean.