Struggling to find the will to stay clean. I got 24hrs ct the other day and then intentionally used. I should have went to a meeting but instead I did something that I knew would make me want to use even more, so I did. I'm sabotaging myself and don't know why. I'm under a lot of stress but can go periods (hours) without taking it. Like it started with pushing my first dose back further and further into the day till I just didn't take it but that lead to relapse. I know I can do it, but it's like I don't have the will to do it. Like I don't actually care to do it in reality, I'm just doing it cause I know it's the right thing to do. A part of me is ok with the disconnect that it brings into my life and relationships. A part of me is ok with the damage that it's done to my overall way of living and achievement level. A part of me is ok with how shitty it makes me feel. I want the side that wants to achieve more and wants better and knows he can, to outweigh the one that could care less. How do I get to that place?