I honestly just need to vent for a moment. I’m a full time college student and I have a shift job in service where I have to wake up at 4AM a few times a week and work an 8 hour shift. And then go immediately to my afternoon classes. I have a few days a week where I’m out of the house 4AM-9PM and I’m reaching the end of my rope. I’m working about 25-30 hours a week and I have 22 hours of class a week.

I am so tired.

Right now I have my final exams and even though I have disability accommodations, my teachers are not very understanding. I have an attendance accommodation to miss extra classes and I’ve had almost every teacher treat me like I’m just cutting class to fuck around and chastise me (often publicly).

I moved back home a few months ago. I couldn’t handle paying for all my own rent, bills, medication, on top of school and a minimum wage job. My parents are not very understanding although they used to be. I think they have compassion fatigue and they no longer help me out with any bills including medication and copays.

I’m really behind in my favorite class due to missing a few classes and assignments and my professor scolded me in front of my class. She gave me an extension (with an automatic grade mark down) for my final. It’s due tomorrow and I have classes today, back to back, from 12-8:50pm. Tomorrow I have a shift 4AM-2PM and my class with her at 3. I can’t pull an all nighter, I have a shift tomorrow. And I’ve maxed out all my absences in my other classes. I have $15 in my bank account and I’ve been having full body cataplexy attacks the past few days because of the stress. I’m getting stuck in these cycles of stress -> cataplexy attack -> exhaustion from attack -> stressed because I’m so exhausted now I can’t do my work.

I cried so hard this morning because I am so motherfucking tired. I just want to not be tired. I’m sick of playing catch up all the time. I’m sick of being held to the same standards as people who don’t have this disease. I’m sick of all the scrapes and bruises from cataplexy. I’m sick of stimulant headaches. I’m sick of knowing I’m trying 5x harder than everybody else and still coming up short. I hate that I can’t help but try to hold myself to other peoples expectations because I don’t want to baby myself. I don’t want to live a life restricted by narcolepsy. I don’t want to drop out. I can’t go to school part time (my scholarship won’t allow it). I am so fucking miserable and sick of this fucking illness. I am so fucking tired. I am so FUCKING tired and upset and angry and nobody in my life understands.