This is going to be long, but I would appreciate telling my story in full for the first time, even if just to strangers.

I was with my nex for three years. About six months into our relationship, it came to light that his ex had a child, and they had been in contact about said child without my knowledge, and he also went and saw him a few times (would have been fine had I known, obviously). By this time my nex and I had just moved in together (it was too quick but my mom sold her house and I was forced to move, and his lease was up around the same time as well). We also hadn’t had any issues yet, we were in the love bombing and future faking phase hard still.

When I asked what was going on, and if he had a son he never told me about, he explained to me the situation as follows: him and his ex had an on-again off-again relationship, she got pregnant, he staying, hoping it was his, signed the birth certificate, and raised him for a year. He told me he found out the child wasn’t biologically his, him and his ex split, but he did love him, so he tried to see him when he could, but it was hard because his ex was apparently a terrible person and impossible to get along with. He apologized for never bringing it up, but said it was a sad, difficult, and complicated situation for him and his ex probably wasn’t going to let him see the kid again, anyway.

I was hurt that he withheld this information, but I also felt bad for him “for what she put him through.” His story was believable and he had answers for everything. He even showed me the Facebook profile of the “real” biological father. I could see some similarities, so I just took his word for it at that time and forgave him for withholding this information from me. He also told me his ex had never gone after him for child support when I asked (important).

A few other things happened that seemed weird and didn’t add up over time, and I started getting really paranoid that I was being lied to. The kid did kind of resemble the other guy, but he resembled my ex, too. I told my nex about my anxiety multiple times and he was always calm, gentle, always had an answer. No matter how many times I brought it up, he assured me he was telling the truth. He eventually agreed to go to court to get a paternity test done and to see if he could get removed from the birth certificate, just to alleviate my anxiety. I cried tears of joy that he was willing to do this for me.

Time passes by and nothings happening. I bring it up sometimes but he starts to get less understanding and more annoyed the more I ask. I eventually stop bringing it up, knowing it’s going to cause a fight. Sometimes I can’t take the anxiety anymore and I do bring it up, and this is where he started getting abusive. Yelling, calling me names, putting me down, telling me I’m crazy, no one else would do this, I was making him go to court and waste money when I was the only one who needed the proof. Just being so, so cruel, then turning around the next day like nothing happened and asking what my issue was and saying “can we please just have a good day.” We entered a cycle where he would comfort me and be my biggest cheerleader some days, we would go on fun dates, etc. Then some periods of time he would be reclusive, drinking alone on the porch for hours at night, snapping at me whenever I had any small issue and blaming it on stress or his PTSD.

I crumpled as a person during this time. Just completely lost myself. I developed a stomach disorder where I could only tolerate bland foods. I lost 30lbs. My hair started falling out. I felt completely drained of energy every day. I could not bring myself to do anything except take care of the house and drag myself to work 3 days a week. I was always confused, I didn’t trust my own thoughts, I was an anxious mess, I never talked to friends or family anymore because my life felt so bleak.

He also only let me work 3-4 days a week because he wanted me to “have more time for myself.” If I worked too much he accused me of sleeping with my coworkers. He was supposed to pay rent in full since I worked less, but he would always pay it in intervals so he could gaslight me into thinking he had already given me the rest when he really hadn’t. He blamed it on my ADHD and told me to start writing stuff down. So, during this time I was working less and I was unknowingly losing money and felt really confused why my savings had dwindled down to nothing.

I finally asked for some proof of something one day. A letter or some sort of communication or bill he had from his lawyer, a document, SOMETHING to prove to me he was actually doing what he said, because months had gone by and still, nothing. This led to a huge argument. He told me these things take time and to call the court myself and ask if the motion had been filed yet. I think he thought I wouldn’t, but I ended up looking it up online on the court’s website. Guess what? I found a case! But not the one I thought I would. It was actually a case that went years back, with dates every few months about delinquent child support. I confronted him and we had the worst fight of our life.

He became really scary during this time. At first he was threatening to leave me, telling me he could not handle me anymore, how crazy I was, etc. I got on my hands and knees and begged him to stay, I literally could not imagine life without him and I barely had any money. I tried to call a friend after our argument, but he literally stopped me, asking me why I would call someone at 2am and talk about our personal stuff. The next day I got the bravery to message his aunt. He always told me he wasn’t close with his family because they weren’t good people. I messaged her and explained the situation. She regretfully informed me that her nephew did have a son, that he was a narcissist, and this is not the first time he has abused a girlfriend to this degree. I sobbed as I knew then and there that I had to leave him and it FINALLY clicked for me that I was being abused, and badly. I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it before. I thought I was the problem this whole time. I was terrified, because after the financial abuse, I barely had money. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t see how I was going to get through this.

The next morning I broke up with him, and I saw a side of him I have never seen. He called me a whore. Literally spit on me. Told me I was a fucked up person and no one would ever love me. That I’d never amount to anything and I expected everything to be handed to me. I was a lazy piece of shit that only worked 3 days a week and never did anything. Accused me of sleeping with my coworkers. Said some of the most hurtful things I’ve ever heard in my life. This went on for an hour. Toward then end I was laughing at some of the stuff he said, knowing he was lying because he didn’t know I had talked to his aunt. He got in my face and asked what was so fucking funny. I was legitimately scared. I asked him to please pack his stuff after work and leave. Realizing I was serious about breaking up, he then started freaking out even more. Screaming, throwing stuff around the apartment, breaking things. When he was done he went to leave for work, and I asked for my key back (the apartment is mine). He literally told me no and left.

I immediately had my locks changed. I put a camera on my door. This man that used to be so tender and loving and promised me the world had very quickly turned into someone angry, uncaring, unkind, and now even downright scary. I had no idea what he was capable of at this point. I packed up all his things and set them on the porch, thinking I would leave for work and never have to see him again. He came home early and caught me packing his stuff. His demeanor suddenly changed. He was in shock. He started crying. He told me he needed time to find a place to stay. He apologized for his reaction that morning and promised he would not do anything like that again. I told him he could sleep on the couch.

For the whole two weeks he had to live with me still, he tormented me under the guise of loving me so much and trying to do anything to get me back. Really, he was just coming into my room and begging and crying for HOURS, keeping me up until 5am multiple nights. He walked in the bathroom one time while I was showering, crying and trying to talk to me. If I was at work a little too late, he accused me of sleeping with someone new already and telling me I was cruel and heartless. He sent me multiple texts a day, begging, apologizing, professing his love. During this whole time he still maintained the child wasn’t his, he just said he never told his family because he was humiliated so that’s why his aunt thought that. He told me he would still get that paternity test. I just said okay, but I knew he was lying.

We fought a few more times during this. One night he scared me again, so I started trying to pack my stuff to take to stay with a friend for a few nights. He aggressively blocked me and kept saying, “I bought that, that’s not yours” over things he had gifted me previously (Xbox, gaming monitor, etc). I called my friend and she came over instead. Once she got there, he acted nice as can be. Assured her he would never hurt me. She knew everything so she just stared at him, dumbfounded. We went to my room and she stayed the night. Another night, after nights of sleep deprivation, he was once again standing in my doorway at 3am, getting aggressive and saying shitty things. I snapped in a way I never have before. I screamed, I told him to fuck off, to let me go, leave me alone, please for the love of god. I shoved him out of my door frame so I could shut my door. He knew I was recording our conversations at this point and said “you just put your hands on me” and threatened to call the police.

He finally moved out, 6 weeks ago now. I’m still struggling emotionally, obviously. I hate being alone. I miss the intimacy. I hate that I wanted to start a family, and now I’m single. Some days I’m mad, some I’m glad, some I’m sad. We’ve had random communication during this time. He still wants a second chance if I change my mind, wants us to still sleep with each other and be exclusive til we decide to move on (no emotions), has taken accountability, apologized profusely, is seeing a therapist, and told me he was still working on getting a paternity test, just so he could show me, not just to win me back. I obviously have taken it with a grain of salt and as much as I miss him, I know I should not go back.

We’ve been broken up for two months now. Last night, he randomly called me. He told me he had talked to his therapist today and he wanted to tell me something. He told me that he did actually have a son. He told me that he was incredibly wrong for what he did me. That he was a coward and instead of facing his problems, he thought he could run away. He said he had been a bad person and had been miserable for years, and he had decided he needed to change or he was better off dead. He told me he was seeing his son again and he just wanted to let me know he was serious about the therapy thing and that he was being a better person. He said he didn’t deserve my forgiveness and he wouldn’t blame me for a second if I never wanted to talk to him again, but to reach out if I ever wanted to talk. He said losing me was his biggest regret, and if he had been honest from the start, I would have been the greatest wife in the world, and he would forever be sorry for how he hurt me and he destroyed what could have been a good thing because he was a horrible, damaged person who refused to get help.

I’ve been shaken since this conversation. I’ve had a horrible day. I’ve been sobbing the whole day. I can’t even explain what I’m feeling. He called me… and he literally admitted to me that HE HAS A SON. Took accountability for EVERYTHING. Expressed remorse and shame. I obviously knew at this point, but I can’t believe he admitted it, when even a week prior he was still denying it. I’m feeling a lot of things. Mad, sad, confused, shocked. I still don’t think I should get back with him, but this makes me so, so, so sad. What if he does change? What if he really was just a traumatized person from having a drug-addict mother as a child and being a combat veteran? My heart just aches at this whole situation.

If you read this, thank you. It feels good to get it all out there.