Without going into a lot of detail, my nex destroyed my dream of having a family, ruined my self-esteem and confused me to the point where my heart rate was constantly elevated.

I moved to a new city with him to start a new life together. It was a dream come true at first but ultimately he never respected me. Looking back, I think he just wanted a tenant for his new house. He was always very withholding with me; I like a lot of closeness and snuggling with my partner, but he just didn’t like to be close to me much at all. He said he just isn’t a touchy-feely kind of person, yet he would seem to go out of his way to be all cute and cuddly with his fuck buddy in front of me (we were in an open relationship).

He always seemed annoyed with me; he didn’t like what I ate, he didn’t like how I cooked it, he didn’t like it when I didn’t have a job yet and couldn’t contribute much around the house, he didn’t like it when I found a job working from home with the house to myself all day, he didn’t like being too affectionate with me but he didn’t like it when I would try to get affection from someone else.

When I would tell him how confused and hurt I was, he would gaslight me and tell me I needed to “manage my expectations” (his favorite mantra) and stop taking things so personally because he wasn’t going to change his behavior for me.

When things finally exploded, I was the one who had to move out and start all over again AGAIN, in this new city on my own while he went on living it up with his new supply.

For a long time I missed him terribly. I was so alone. I’d check his FB and tortured myself with photos of his great new life without me. I held onto hope, telling myself I just needed closure before moving on, so of course I wasn’t moving on.

But I forced myself to stay NC. It SUCKED. I’d cry at the drop of a hat. But I started making friends and fwb. I busied myself with settling into my new life and finding a perfect job. I heard that a few months after we broke up, he dumped his new supply too. He had already moved on someone new. I started to see the pattern and I felt for the first time like I dodged a bullet. As I checked his FB less frequently, because it became boring, I saw the horrible state the house was in and realized how unhappy I would have been living in that chaos.

Then I started seeing someone regularly and we became close. He’s the complete opposite of my nex. He’s considerate and appreciative of me, he doesn’t play confusing head games and he just loves being close and affectionate with me. That’s when I really noticed how much better off I was without my nex. It’s been great not having to guess how my boyfriend is going to feel about me from one day to the next. It’s nice to know that if we argue he’s not going to threaten me with breaking up or minimize my feelings. Most of all, it’s wonderful to snuggle and be close with someone who actually wants to be with me too. I don’t have to guess if he’s just humoring me or not. I’m not always on high alert.

It was a year and a half before I was in contact with my nex again. I didn’t need anything from him anymore but I needed to know how I’d react and feel. I needed to know I was really over it.

So we met for lunch and it was fine. My heart didn’t race. There was no hope in my heart. There was no expectation at all. The person I thought he was seemed so far-off, our relationship part of a distant past I looked at with indifference. I realized then that I was much better off with this person out of my life. I also realized what an unhappy person he really is. He has since moved yet again to another city in hopes of being happy in a new place, but he is not happy there either. Now I just feel kinda sorry for him, but not enough to care too much. In the past, I would’ve used my pity as an excuse to maintain a close friendship with him. Every few months he will text to say hi and see how I’m doing, but I keep the conversation short and perfunctory.

But I mainly just feel nothing. My life has diverged from his in so many ways since we broke up, he just isn’t a factor in anything anymore. I have an entirely different life now, a much better one. If I’d stayed with him, I’d still be following him around the country, supporting him while he “finds himself” and treats me like an option instead of a priority, looking for some perfect dream love he’ll never find. God knows what my mental state and self esteem would be right now.

I did get closure but only after I had moved on. You can get closure too but not if you’re waiting around for him to provide it for you. You only get closure on your own without him. I promise it will happen but you can’t keep your image of him alive in your head. You can’t hope that he’ll say something indicating he’s changed. You can’t keep checking his socials. You need to pretend that he’s dead and keep living your life even if it feels like you’re just going through the motions for a long time. Because you would definitely not be happy for long if you really were with him again. You are better off crying alone than being abused. I promise it will work out better for you eventually but you have to be strong, stop lying to yourself and realize you fell in love with a mask. It will really hit home once you meet someone who truly appreciates you, and you’ll wonder why you ever wanted your nex back.