Well I've never done this before but here we go, I was in a relationship with my ex for a little over 11 years. we split up about over a month ago. We had been ignoring each other for about 5 days over a spat. I had tried a few times to make the situation right by apologizing just so we can have peace in our home. But i received no response from her, she wanted to keep the fight going so I let it, mind you we live in the same home and have children together. but we were in a quarrel over something she did and we had plans the following day and i left her behind because I didn't want to be around her, but i still gave her the opportunity to make her situation right and told her to come with but that was still an argument because i didn't ask nicely and my attitude was bad, So whatever, i left her behind because i wanted to enjoy my time with my kids.

Then we are on the silent treatment for about 5 days, she's coming home late from work by hours leaving me with the kids not trying to make the situation better, i had a few times but to no avail. so on day 5 she comes home from work a few hours after she was off and she wants to talk, which it goes nowhere. So I went to another bedroom in our home laid down for a bit, i just had this huge gut feeling that something wasn't right. I popped outta the bed went to where she was laying and I had asked to see her phone, mind you we have an open phone policy in this relationship because of all the other stuff that had happened in the past. She goes through my phone constantly while I'm sleeping which is fine, i have nothing to hide. SO when i asked her to let me see her phone she said no, she said that I don't need to go through her phone. ok ok let me go back to the previous day because i left something out, so i had been suspicious that something had been going on (gut feeling). So i go to log into her phone account to see if there is anything suspicious, I cant log in because she changed the PW (red flag) but still i figured that there was a good explanation as to why it was changed and i had somewhat forgotten about it and didnt ask about that right away and we were still on the silent treatment. so back to me asking for the phone i ended up snatching the phone from her and making my way to an open area to see that was in it, as soon as I started opening up the call logs and i was being wrestled for control of the phone ( ok and i understand, me taking her phone is not the best option but i needed to know and i would never ever get physical with her) but she fought with me so hard for control of this phone i just stopped gave her the phone back and pretty much had my answer with her not wanting me to see what was in it, so i told her to leave to get out and that this relationship was over. this was the 3rd time something like this had happened and i wasnt going to let it happen anymore.

This had happened the previous year, i caught her up talking to an ex bf that she denied talking to. It took her over a month to admit what was going on and getting that out of her was the hardest thing she could have ever done because you can tell how much shame she had (or at least thats what i thought). but this time and that time while we were separated my name was being dragged through the mud which is fine because i know who I am. But still, you always want to defend yourself when negative thigs are being said, and trust me this story can go on for a while this is the short version of things, sorry guys. There were just a lot of lies, disloyal stuff, bashing by a person i was madly in love with and expected to spend the rest of my life with and it wrecked me when all this was being done and said about me.

i had been there for this person through all their nasty behavior, i became a better person for them because i wanted to prove myself to her. I changed, matured and am always looking to be a better person, but in the end this person sees you as the worst partner they could have ever had or at least thats what they say. Last year i went into therapy and my therapist opened me up to a term called Gaslighting which was exactly what was happening, then things i was seeing were linked with Narcisstic abuse then i started diving into that. I watched this video on youtube and i felt like my whole relationship was explained in this video.

My Narc abuser is so predictable, i have to be in communication with this person because we have kids i still love this person to death i know its not a love i will ever get in return which i think is the hardest of realizations. But what i realized is that these types of relationships are so toxic, so traumatic, im not trying to feel like a victim or feel bad for myself but jeez this was a lot to go through mentally, the interactions I'm still having with this person are so bad especially because i try and keep things as short as possible, she hates it. It just triggers her to harass me more hopefully it dies down. If it wasnt for my faith and therapy i would have nothing to support me, im not the type to tell everyone around me what is going on but this is a nice way to be incognito i think, and get some support from the reddit universe. its been over a month and im hoping to come out of this a better person and for any future relationships i will pay attention to the red flags. Hold yourself accountable for your negative behavior, be around people that hold you accountable for your actions, hold your friends accountable for their behavior.