because all your life all you've ever done is take the blame.

all the millions of times you would beg them for an apology, no longer even mad at them but genuinely terrified that your partner can't (won't?) understand how they wronged you.

they'd do something bad and you'd confront them and end up being the one crying and begging for them to forgive you. how easily they would withhold from you using the silent treatment in order to manipulate your emotions and have you on your knees, begging and pleading for them to forgive you for pointing out their mistakes. loving them so much that you can't help but beg for forgiveness.

they never take accountability for anything. never. not even once. the blame is always on you. you try to work with them, but since the blame is on you, they don't have to do anything, and so nothing changes and it gets worse and worse. you keep bringing up problems, and each time its turned around on you.

even now i go through memories and remember all the times where i tried so hard to carefully and rationally explain how they had done something objectively messed up, just for the sake of being able to grow together. every time, the conversation would end with me in tears begging for forgiveness for bringing up any criticism.

i am repeatedly having conversations with people these days where they tell me it's illogical to try to logically explain things to people but i just can't absorb it. all i want to do is be on the same page and move forward together. all i want to do is talk it out and work it out. that's all ive ever wanted.

even now i find myself thinking, if only i could explain myself better, help them understand better, they would have taken accountability too, and we'd work together to overcome. i dont think i've ever been able to really blame anyone for anything without ultimately just blaming it on myself fully.

even now writing this out and intellectually understanding that when someone refuses to be held accountable you cant both change and grow together, i still just pile on the blame on myself and hold all this anger only towards myself, still keep trying to fix every thing about myself instead of accepting that i tried really hard to get them to try, too, and they didn't want to.