I get so upset with myself for letting things get so bad. I didn't leave after the first time he choked me when I wouldn't allow to lie on me. Or the second time when I found out he was at a hotel I had told him I wanted to go to with his ex. I confronted her & let her know I was at a food pantry trying to feed our kids while he took her out. He choked me & told me he'd kill me because I embarrassed him because I didn't communicate & jumped to conclusions when he had just let a friend use his car to cheat on his girlfriend.

I didn't leave when I found the pictures of him at another hotel in bed naked with a girl & saw the Google maps & he said that the photos were uploaded a long time ago & Google had the dates wrong. He told me if he could show me proof he was lying he would marry me. When I told him I'd only work with him for our kids & our business and if he put his hands on me again over another woman I'd end everything, he slammed me into a wall, choked me then threw me in a chair, hit me in the face and told me I'd never be anything without him and couldn't do anything without him & if I got in the way if his vision he'd kill me.

I didn't run when he told me he couldn't have a relationship with me because I was depressed but both women he was involved with while living with me both have anxiety or ptsd. I didn't run when he told me my father got me ready for him. Or when he would interrupted me training for a new really stressful job to tell me we weren't friends or lovers and he didn't have to be there to co-parent but he was trying to build his vision with me even though I fail so horribly.

I let him come back after I miscarried our child alone after he said he couldn't lay next to me because the bed was too uncomfortable & I couldn't be loud because I could wake our middle son sleeping in the next room because he didn't want me telling anyone I was pregnant. The next day he yelled at me on my way to the hospital for a D&C while I was still miscarrying because I have " piss poor communication" and didn't hear him ask if I could drive myself. And still dealt with him after he left 3 days later to take another ex girlfriend on vacation to the one place I told him I wanted to go, spent $1000 on a hotel room when I didn't think there was any money & our kids needed clothes and bill needed to be paid. I put him out but he told me I had no right.

I'm finally no contact and I'm scared. Scared because he has a gun now. Scared because he's told me since I put him out he's forcing me to do exactly what he wants and I belong to him. Im scared because he's told me no court and no one would stop him. I feel stupid, dumb and blind because I let 14yrs go by thinking I was the problem. Too some extent I am.