back story: I (F) dated my nex for about 2 years on and off, but we were never exclusive. (His terms, not mine.) that was a rough time of my life. I was discovering who I was and beginning to love myself, but my ex made it difficult to maintain that mindset for myself. I was constantly being gaslighted or victim blamed. Some of the ways he would “punish” me would be by giving me the silent treatment or make me feel as if I was in competition for his affection/devotion. There were a few times i would break things off and decide that I deserved better, but somehow as time went by he would weasel his way back in and actually be apologetic for the first time and semi communicate with me. Of course me being naive and hopeful, I would always fall back into it.

I finally left and never looked back after I found concrete proof He couldn’t deny and I couldn’t make excuses for of him sleeping with multiple women behind my back for months, maybe even years for all I know.

Fast forward to now. I met my husband relatively soon after leaving My ex. I knew there was still healing to be done so I wanted to proceed with caution, but I also knew that this was the man I prayed for so to speak. Hubs really is amazing. He is so patient, kind, doting, considerate, understanding, etc. we’re not perfect but we do have a healthy relationship and actively communicate with and support each other. I really am so blessed for this life with him and our son because they have given me so much love and pushed me to evolve and be a better version of myself and so many other things I don’t want to drone on about.

With that being said, I often find myself reflecting on my relationship with my ex a lot. Even after 3 years of being with my husband. Not necessarily that I want to be with him or even miss the time spent with him. It more feels like... idk what I did wrong I guess? I find myself obsessing over what I could’ve done differently to maybe make it work, wondering why I wasn’t enough, waging wars in my head over if things were really my fault or was he just a narcissist? It’s almost as if I feel like I failed that relationship. Not that I even want it, but I am having a tough time processing reality when I think back to it. I keep blaming myself over accepting that it was abuse. Or wondering all together if I even was abused and maybe I really was being over dramatic about things like he use to claim.

I don’t want to victim blame myself or discredit the abuse, but at the same time I want to grow and be a better person and I don’t feel like I can do that if I’m blaming my ex for things that I maybe should’ve been working on to grow and improve myself.

Like maybe I should’ve been more assertive and he would’ve been more interested or something like that. Or maybe if I hadn’t felt compelled to call out what I felt were wrong doings, we could’ve approached it differently and came to real resolutions.

I don’t know why I even care bc I love my husband and the life we share, but it’s really been clawing at me a lot lately and I can’t keep suppressing these emotions nor obsessing over what happened.

Has anyone ever experienced this or something similar?

Tl:dr : I was in a emotionally/mentally abusive relationship with a narc. Finally left after years of abuse. Met a new, wonderful man, married him and started a family together living my best life; yet somehow still upset that I wasn’t “good enough” for my nex even though I have no desire to ever rekindle that or any other relationship other than my marriage