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Set Up: My dad is a N. My whole family is codependent and co-N. I, of course, fell for a Narc. Cutting off my family was a choice that felt a lot harder than it was. It was more about mourning that I never had the proper "real" family, rather than actually missing the people I was cutting out.
And I did go no contact with my Nex. I don't regret that (though we still have beloved friends in common.)
But now I'm in therapy and looking to move forward and I'm just...kind of lost. Identifying the abusive behavior of others in my life was easy compared to this idea of moving forward and learning to change my approach to social relationships. I am not the same person. I am far more confident. I am healthier and more independent. But it is still ingrained in me to be super open with people. To enjoy seeing the people around me happy. I over share. I trust easily. I do not know how to build a relationship, even a friendship, slowly.
Hell, I get mixed up still on when to take time for myself and when to break out of my alone space and be around other people. Right now I've set small goals, like "Socialize in person at least once a week." But then there are times when I have been working at my day job, on my side hustles, on my emotional health, and on my environment (like house cleaning) when I'm fine one moment and then feeling so lonely and isolated I cry. Literally minutes apart.
Yes, I do have codependent tendencies. Yes, I know I'm probably still not ready to be out there looking to build new relationships. Yes I am trying to get involved in things I enjoy where other people may be, and avoiding the pressure to date and couple myself up. I'm also confronting feeling like how any potential partner in the future should be a PARTNER, not someone I hold responsible for fixing me, or taking care of me.
It's like I need to try to install new programming in myself; Healthy socialization.exe, but I cannot find the program and I feel like I barely understand programming. How do you stop just identifying the abuse/issues, and start reprogramming yourself to not go into those situations and not trust those people in the first place?? I feel like the healthier I get the more isolated and alone I get. Surely there are people out there who can have healthy interactions and who can build healthy friendships, right?
Honestly, I have been very tempted lately to break no contact with my Nex just because I feel alone and miss that emotional intimacy.
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