TW: physical / sexual abuse

Last night, I sent them a text message ending contact for good. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself I don’t miss them, but hearing their voice was all I wanted & whether they got angry or guilt-tripped me, it would’ve broken my resolve.

“Name, when we met, you made me feel seen, safe, valued, and eventually loved. We made so many unforgettable memories and weathered countless hardships together. Yet, every one of those memories has been either poisoned or worsened by your abusive treatment of me.

You’ve repeatedly lied to me, gaslighted me, cheated on and utterly betrayed me while projecting your guilt onto me. You knowingly compromised my physical and mental health, abandoned me (literally and emotionally), violated my romantic and sexual boundaries, raped me, derailed my career, isolated me from my family and friends, screamed at me, cursed at me, insulted me in every way you knew would “hurt the most,” stalked me in person and online, threatened me with violence and retaliation by sharing private media and through false reports for speaking out or disobeying you, deliberately injured me, physically intimidated me to make me stay, denied my right to sleep by screaming, threatening, shoving, shaking, and jabbing me while blasting music and flashing strobe lights in my face, mocked and punished me for my disabilities and trauma, and made fun of and insulted my dead mother. I could go on, but that last one truly says it all.

Through all of this, and even now, you have relied on me for emotional, mental, physical, sexual, and financial support, despite how incredibly selfish and cruel that is to me. You scream, time and time again that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m “not right in the head”. On that, we agree because I loved you (and still have love for you) through it all. But, now, it’s my turn. I deserve to give myself all the love I lavished on and didn’t receive back from you. I’m taking it all back.

You say that “no one else will ever love [me]” - that I am too ugly, too stupid, too boring, too much. You say, “Enjoy the next 60 years alone”. I say, “I will”. You try to convince me that protecting myself from you means that I don’t love you, but this is not the love I imagined or was promised. This is not and will never be the life I want. I accept it now that the person you pretended to be for so long never lived, was never real. I believe you when you say that this is who you really are. I’ve believed you for a long time.

You often say that I “make “you treat me this way, but that’s another of many lies. I never - ever - deserved this. I love you, but this is not love.

Do not text me. Do not call me. Do not stalk me. Do not find me. I’m leaving you. Goodbye.”

They pretty much just said, “Okay”. Idk if they actually don’t care, or if they’re biding their time to do all the things they threatened, but it’s done. This still doesn’t feel like any type of win, though. I never wanted things to be this way. I’m so sad, so hurt, so angry that they ruined what could’ve been, that they made it so impossible to stay. I always wanted to stay.