To make a long story short, my ex is a covert narcissist. He came into my life right after my dad died and created this beautiful vision of our future together. Gave me hope during a very hard time. I knew his ex had a son, but he had told me that he found out his ex had cheated on him and that he wasn’t the father. He told me she was crazy and abusive.

Something felt off to me, but he always had an answer for me. Showed me a guy on Facebook who was the “real father” and told me to see how much they looked alike. That he was going to court to get removed from the birth certificate and was going to get a paternity test to show me. That he wasn’t paying child support because his ex didn’t go after it since she had cheated on him. Swore on my dead father and his dead friends from his time in the military. I reassured him many times early in our relationship that I didn’t mind if he had a son. He always insisted he didn’t.

Eventually his reassurance turned into anger. Lies on top of lies, manipulation, gaslighting, rage, yelling, blaming everything on me, picking fights, withholding affection, punching things next to me or getting in my face when he was mad and mocking me for flinching. If I was “good” and didn’t bring up my feelings or anxiety I got his good side, but if I tried to talk to him about anything, I was punished for it. He financially abused me, too. Definitely lied about his own finances and took it out on me. I was his punching bag and he was just this hardworking guy trying to support his lazy, depressed girlfriend while struggling with his childhood trauma, PTSD from being stationed in Iraq, and alcoholism. A good person in his own eyes, as he’s told me many times. “I really am a good person.”

I was with him for 3 years. I finally decided to look up his name on the court’s website, since he still hadn’t shown me the paternity test. That’s when my world crumbled around me. I realized I was living in a false reality, that I was being abused, that nothing was going to get better. What I found were 20 court hearings starting back when we began dating, all for delinquent child support. I knew in that moment that it was his son, that he knew it the whole time, and that he had abandoned his own child so he could have me instead.

A lot has happened since we split. There has been contact, from both sides. I think it’s been a month now of no contact, since I had to start over. I’m doing worse than ever. I felt so strong at first, disgusted by what he had done. But I slipped up 5 months in and let him weasel his way back into my life. He begged for me back, wanted to show me he had changed, finally admitted he had a son and that he was seeing him again, etc. I was skeptical, and I think he realized I wasn’t worth the trouble he’d have to go through to win me back and discarded me. I then found myself begging for him back, but he denied me this time.

I left him with barely any money to my name, which I regret heavily. I got fired from my job after I left him due to performance issues. I can no longer afford to live on my own, and I have to break my apartment lease early to move into my friend’s basement. I’m devastated. I can’t stop thinking about him. I still can’t understand why he did this instead of just telling me the truth from the beginning. I am angry, confused, sad. I hate being alone. I wanted a family with him but now I feel trauma surrounding children/pregnancy. When I see kids or hear anything related to children/pregnancy my heart sinks.

I feel like I would take him back if he reached out to me, but for some reason he doesn’t want me anymore. I’m sick of feeling hopeless. Almost eight months and I am still so damaged and broken. I can’t sleep, my appetite is gone, my mind is racing constantly, I have no energy. I wonder if he can change, if things were really as bad as I think they were, if I deserve to call it abuse. When does it get better? How can it?