You know they say trauma is stored in the hips. Well I did a hip opening yoga session today. And yes I definitely started crying but had the saddest Nightmare last night. I haven't cried over him in a month and was just focused on my projects but I always knew there was still trauma left to deal with.

Just how deep the manipulation the NEX imposed on me...how everything was an absolute lie for 6 months.... I felt ashamed about how I believed his every word... eventhough I had the uneasy feeling & I ignored it. I really wanted to give this relationship a try because I always walk away after the first red flag, and I've been single for so long... the hiding me on Social Media because he's a tech wiz and says he doesn't believe in social media and its harmful but would be on Social media in front of me... I justified everything and I just feel so stupid.

Even after we broke up I replay the shame of him flirting with other women in front me after he got me drunk and abandoned me all night... I embarrassed myself in front of the whole of my Social group with him. I'm usually very upstanding but this man brought out the worst of me. I spent all this time trying to get back to when he was nice to me for 6 months(while we he waited for the cookie). Of course it's not coming back. He was lying, even when he asked to make it official he was lying with this emotionless sick expression on his face and I blew right passed it because ppl often tell me I'm overly judgmental I let so much slide in an effort to be not critical.

Sometimes I feel absolutely worthless and that I could never date again. Lately the only men interested have been predatorial. As though I'm a weak shaking foundling baby deer that can barely walk that's ripe for picking. I've asked for time to heal and of course they don't like that then they disappear.

I could tell the last of the trauma was going to come out soon. I've suffered two panic attacks at the hands of this man and I'm jittery and nervous all the time especially when a man comes near me. I know I'm a victim but I still feel like I did all the work on my self esteem to prevent myself from being a victim and I feel worse for not defending myself well.

Anyways guess this was just a random vent, the realization that the entire relationship was a ploy and everything was a lie is helping me move on. What keeps me hanging on to hope is the thought that " at least he loved me for a little while or this time was great". If the good parts were true and meant something to him. He wouldn't have discarded me after sex after waiting 6 months.