I should start by saying I have nowhere to go and no means to get there if I did, as tragic as that sounds. Me (m57) and my spouse (m59) have been together for 29 years and 10 of those married. I realized last year, after sitting and thinking about things I didn't want to, the amount of messing around on his part in the first 10-15 years is staggering! A year ago, this month, I asked him to talk about this and he changed into the monster that he is now. The mask came off and it has been scary AF! I'm a mental health professional so it's embarrassing as hell to have not seen this before. When I brought it up, he started giving me the silent treatment and then he was gaslighting me about it. He just sat there letting me vent about things he did that hurt me. Badly. Never any remorese or regret on his part and no helping me work though this history of ours. He wouldn't engage with me about it and I kept escalating (just verbally never physically) to the point where I was standing up pacing trying to get him to talk. I told him this was crazy! I was acting like some managing reactive abuse. That is a clinical term that describes how a victim escalates, sometimes physically, when they cannot get an abuser to engage. And when I said that, the light bulb lit up and I almost fell over. This was not happening and how could have missed this?!?!?! I just said it out loud and straight to him. I said the silent treatment is a defense mechanism used by children and emotionally immature people to try to control the narrative. I said its commonly used by narcissistic individuals. Then, I think because of my profession, he finally looked up from his iPad and started staring at the wall. Then I said that when you try to make me think what I'm remembering is not correct, that's called gaslighting, I called him out on all of the narc bullshit I was seeing. Basically, I realized I had missed something hitting me in the face every fucking day. Now a year later I'm trapped in a cycle of nice days versus shit days and never any accountability for the pain he has caused me or a real "I'm sorry". I'm emotionally and psychologically exhausted! I cannot get myself to let go and accept the fact that this is who he is! I bait him almost every day to tell me he loves me or that he is sorry only to have it never said. I'm venting on here and I'm exhausted. I'm not suicidal but I cannot take this anymore. We moved to a new city during the pandemic, and I know nobody that I would consider a friend to talk to. I admire people who find the strength to let go of people they deeply love and move on for their own good. I encourage that in my work but I cannot do it myself and I'm deeply ashamed of where I have ended up. How do some of you guys stay positive or at least have the mental energy to keep going?