It’s been two months since we broke contact. This time she blocked me. Most of the previous times I had ended it and blocked her and then unblocked and went back to her.

I think about her every day. My energy levels and motivation are super low. Depression and apathy and obsession are kicking my ass. I can go a few days sometimes without looking at her social media or sending a text to see if I’m still blocked but then I cave in again and the rejection is so painful it’s like I keep reliving the betrayal and devaluing of being with her when I try to text or look at her stupid social media with the new supply or whatever other highlights of her shitty life she posts.

Logically I know I deserve better. I know the cycle. I’ve watched the YouTube videos and read the books but my heart is stuck on her. I got out of the state that I live in for a couple weeks and that helped a bit but still was looking up her social media by the end of that trip and reaching out.

I went flying on a small airplane today for the first time with a pilot friend and it was so cool but I’m still thinking about her and looking up her social media on the plane!

When does it end? I am afraid I will never learn to love myself enough to stop going back. I’m afraid that the only reason I’m even still somewhat no contact is because she’s completely discarded me and blocked me. I don’t want to live like this. I was in a good place before I met her. We’ve done this dance for two and a half years. I’ve broke up with her 9 times. I feel like I am irreparably broken.

Please tell me there’s hope. I know I shouldn’t look or reach out. I don’t know why I can’t control myself. I know it’s delaying the process. I feel like an idiot as I share this with my friends. They say stop looking don’t reach out to her. No shit.

I just want to be myself again.