I think I'm recovering. I have some good days and keep making moves to get better. That has been difficult because: a. I am still stuck missing her b. We have kids together.

I can't even tether my feelings to good moments. Why feel longing for someone that mentally hurt me daily.

Today I had a realization that devastated me. She use to tell me that I'm never vulnerable with her and that she is always opening up to me. That she has to dig out my emotions and I am closed off and avoidant.

I had a conversation with someone very close to me and they pointed out that expressing needs and asking things of you is not vulnerable. I was being vulnerable by listening and believing what she was saying. I trusted her feelings and validated them. I let myself feel terrible for making her sad or angry. I opened myself up to criticizem because I thought I could give her what she needed. When I made the change it was a whole new reason I was selfish or careless.

This went on for years. I hate these realizations. I want them to go away.

How do y'all manage these memories. They are truly killing me. I just want them to stop.