Disclaimer: my wife is still undiagnosed. Possibly borderline. Possibly narcissist. Possibly a hybrid. She has been diagnosed as low-grade bipolar, but part of me thinks that even the psychiatrist and psychologist don’t see behind a mask because she hasn’t presented them with that.

Now, here’s the meat of the post. My wife has started saying “You hate me.” She’ll add things like “I can tell.” It’s not all the time. Just tucked in here and there. A little over a month ago, I found out about her affair. When confronted, she blew up, employed DARVO techniques, and again said that I hate her. I commented that I don’t hate her and that I’ve never hated her. I said that I hate some of her behaviors and that I resent some of the things she has done, including prioritizing an affair partner over me.

After a week apart, I came back. She collapsed in tears over fear of abandonment. We said we would forgive each other (I’m no saint, and could use some forgiveness too). But she again said “you hate me.” I told her to banish those thoughts and words from her mind. That seemed to put her at ease some. But in the weeks since, I have begun grey rocking somewhat.

Now last night, at a friends' gathering, she kept cutting me off when I was trying to speak. I kept a stone composure and just looked at her and blinked. The friends asked her to let me finish my thoughts. She said a perfunctory “sorry” and then quietly (but loud enough) said again “he hates me anyway…well, he doesn’t hate me, but…” and trailed off. I finished my thoughts and the night finished fine. It struck me though, that she is now voicing that statement in public.

Has anyone else encountered this? And if so, what does it mean? And also, what are some good reactions / responses to that kind of statement, whether at home or in public?