I was with this man for 3 years and I thought he was the one. I thought he’d change if I just changed myself. Maybe if I just controlled myself better and stopped pissing him off it would all be okay. I went to therapy I got on meds, I’m diagnosed bipolar I, and I went to a support group and everything. I’m beginning to doubt I’m actually bipolar. He’s made me feel like I’m going insane for the past couple years. I believed everything he told me because I didn’t want to make him mad and make him leave me. I finally realized that he was gaslighting me about a month ago when I made my first domestic violence hotline call and asked them if I really was the abusive one because I couldn’t take it anymore. If I was the abusive one I wanted to get help so I could stop hurting him and they told me I wasn’t. I still replay them telling me I was going to get murdered since he’s choked me and threatened to shoot me with his guns. I was making plans to move but I was doing it slowly to avoid so much turmoil but then my family came to visit me and he hurt my sister and I realized he was way too dangerous. I will never ever go back to him but I still love him and my heart hurts. It hurts knowing that he really never loved me he just loved the idea of me. It hurts to know that I gave him everything I had and it still wasn’t enough. I gave up my friends and family and personal life, I’ve been giving him over half my paycheck and I don’t think he’ll be satisfied until I’m dead. I’m scared he’s going to kill me since it’s a 70% chance of getting murdered AFTER leaving the relationship. Right now he’s calling me thru no caller saying he’s sorry and that he was too drunk and doesn’t even remember what happened and I so badly want to tell him and ask him why he did that but it’s no use and I won’t waste anymore time on him.