Girl. I will pray for you tonight before I go to bed. I’m so sorry you have to hurt this way, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The best advice I can give you right now is this- Moving on is gonna hurt so much that it’ll feel..physically painful at times. To come out on the other side of this toxic relationship & start your path to self love, it’s important you cut ALL ties & stay firm on the NO CONTACT.. (whatsoever). I count every night I’d lay my head down & get sad because I was sleeping alone, as a personal accomplishment for making it another day keeping that boundary wall in place. With each day, that pain will subdue,but will always still be there in the back of your mind. You’ll never forget the emotional & physical abuse, but you can always heal from it. Ask yourself this- Is that pain & constant questioning of your own sanity really worth going through for those temporary moments of “happiness” with them? I know you think the pain you’re feeling from being away from him is probably unbearable and that you could tolerate the bad moments & be happier if you’d just give in and go back. Right back into the same cycle of abuse. I want you to know that every single time you give in to him, it’s just giving him more control over you. You’re showing him that you’ll allow that kind of behavior from him with no repercussions. Therefore he’ll keep doing the same shit if he knows you’ll run back to him every time. That’s what a narcissist feeds off of. They love to be chased, wanted & admired. You can NEVER forget that you’re not anything but a supply to them that has no needs, wants or demands. You should know that you’re a VICTIM to their manipulative behavior. You’re fighting a losing battle with him, no matter how many times you try to defend yourself or beg them to change…. They’ll NEVER change. They’ll NEVER take accountability, & they’ll ALWAYS paint a false narrative that makes them either the HERO. the VICTIM & never the VILLAIN.