I think I’m traumatized. I was going through my sent emails looking for a specific one for work and I scrolled to far and found emails between me and my narc back in 2020. He cheated on me in 2019 but I wasn’t aware at the time of the messages, but the argument was about him being on his ex’s phone plan and the way I was practically begging this dude to give me a logical explanation as to why he needed to be on her plan. it’s honestly embarrassing rereading it now that the fog has lifted. I’m so disgusted with myself. HOW was that okay to me? I sounded so fucking weak. I’m at work almost physically sickened by it. Idk is hating yourself part of this healing process? because I wish I could slap the shit out of my 23-year old self. That boy stole 5 years from me and I just now came to realize that non of it was ever real. The “love” the “chemistry” never existed. I just kept making it up in my head. But it was clear as day.. and I am not okay. Anytime I’m triggered I can’t eat for hours or most times the whole day. I take prework out to get through being a single mom and working at night and take kratom to get rid of the thoughts and weed for sleep.. Please tell me it gets better.. How are they SO evil man