I’m still trying to figure out if my ex-lover is a true narcissist or not. He’s certainly emotionally immature, dishonest, and a cheater. There were a few times I caught him trying to gaslight me, deflect, lie, and manipulate.

BUT!! he’s also kind, brilliant, ambitious, responsible, sober, humble, and doesn’t have a lot of the common narc traits I see on here. He was honest about many other things and was vulnerable with me about personal things. He never raised his voice at me, called me names, lost his temper, or anything mean like that. Our relationship didn’t follow the typical lovebomb-abuse-discard-hoover pattern. We were both hot and cold in the beginning and took things very slowly. I knew he was seeing other women when we were together and that I was not the only one. I was celibate when we met and he didn’t push me to have sex until I was ready. I’m fact when we finally did, he told me he was glad we waited. I don’t think either of us had intentions of falling in love - it happened organically (from my perspective anyway). It was always meant to be a short-term fling, because he’s from another country. All in all, we only knew each other about 8 months.

The “situationsip” ended when he moved back home. We stayed in touch (as lovers) and I wanted to make plans to visit him, but a month later I caught him lying more and eventually found out he has a long term gf at home. I was completely gutted. Heartbroken. I confronted him, he tried one last attempt to lie and then got angry at me, then I went no contact.

I’ve broken no contact twice now and both times he has no anger towards me, no ill-will, and says he still loves me and thinks of me everyday. He even told me sorry, which I wasn’t expecting. Is this normal narc behavior after being dumped?

So I’m just confused. Is he a narc who just cares about his ego and wants me to get back into his good graces so he doesn’t feel like the “bad guy”? Or is he not a narc, but just an immature, selfish, insecure person who accidentally fell in love but not enough to blow up his cushy life to act on it?

I know that either way, he’s toxic and not someone I should let back into my life. But the hard part for me is wondering if he really loves me, or if he was just using me. As a SA survivor, feeling used is incredibly triggering and has brought me so much emotional pain and anxiety.