My ex constantly made everything about him. I'm not going to go into details, I'm sure you all understand. But I want to discuss what I've recently realized now that I have clarity. I've been moved out for about 8 months and NC for only a few. We were together for about 1.5 years.

It has taken me this long to finally be free from his manipulation. I realized just how insidiously that manipulation has affected me now that the conditioning is finally wearing off.

When first being on my own, I would - without fail every time - consider his side. His perspective. His experience. His viewpoint. Every TikTok I watched. Every feeling or memory I had. I would constantly be considering his side. The entire time I have been grieving, I gave a fuck about this guy who couldn't care less about me.

Now I finally don't. Finally. Finally I can focus on me. Even when I was aware of the abuse, I was incapable of simply focusing on me. It was impossible.

And now I see just how disgusting that is. He used my love and attachment to him against me. He hijacked my fucking brain so that I could never think independently. My association with my own self-worth and experience had been manipulated to suit his interests at all times.

It wasn't that I was fucking "codependent"... He literally manipulated my attachment to him so that his perspective was necessary for me to receive love and care.

I'm not sure if this is an eye-opener for anyone else but shit, it has been for me.