i would prefer to not go in full backstory of our relationship other than we lived together year and half, and been dating more than two years.

snapshot i had to tell him to move out in october after weeks of continuously being told he would leave me one day because of how unhappy i make him. that i wasn't meeting his needs enough, that i wasn't "stimulating" and didn't know how to "communicate" and my ptsd responses would trigger his anger. there was also a substance abuse issue where if he drank too much he would blame me for his bad behavior and i should be responsible for learning how to talk to him in those states so i don't piss him off.

after he had moved out, in november, during one these states he broke my room divider after i told him to leave.

i initially was going to cut him off there but he apologized and replaced the divider.

majority of our time together since then has been peaceful, he started therapy (not as consistent as i perceive to be realistically helpful).

we have continued to be in touch and we decided to spend NYE together. i feel a lot of guilt/shame telling others i've cut him off, and also knowing i have spent so much time complaining or crying to others about these struggles that i feel like if it's someone i want in my life then i am actually the one creating the issues.

at this point i am very confused, perhaps from gaslighting, and i know i am very depressed (also dealing with financial/employment stress not living together and taking on more of bills).

NYE and whole weekend was nice.

perhaps it is telling that we binged white lotus and he was fond of the couple (cameron and daphne) - he commented "see they support each other psychoness" something along those lines, I said "yea and see how they hurt people along the way." this somehow led to him saying he felt like I am "not on (his) side" and I should be on his side even if he is "problematic." (basically his ideal relationship would be slightly toxic and pushes boundaries)

this conversation evolved into me pointing out how much he has pushed me away by previously threatening to leave the relationship ("someday a year from now I might leave, and you'll say I wasted your time.")

Because part of his narrative is I kicked him out so now he is bitter towards me and that makes things difficult.

I said I needed him to delete tinder for me to feel better. He said he wish I communicated that differently, that I had an attitude and was being rude after he "gave (me ) everything this weekend" and that I need to get over "that sh*tl." he has felt a constant need even during our relationship for him to have "freedom" to talk to other people - this was under the guise of trying to be 'adventurous'/poly together.

It doesn't help that I went through his phone last night and saw he attempted to invite some other woman out to the same exact plans we had. which is truly astounding if she had showed up, I'm confused what he expected to come of that.

I didn't quite specify that I knew but I did mention I knew he tried inviting someone else. Because he said he insisted this weekend was about me and I said "I think you would have gone with anyone" and he got extremely upset and left.

It's hard for me to not feel like I am causing issues that prevent things from getting better, but if I examine the reality of his actions/words and his track record it's clearly not me. but I still struggle with this.

we went back and forth via text a bit after he left , the only things that matter making him feel better by "taking ownership" and me saying I won't fight him anymore.

does anyone recommend any recovery workbooks?