How do I keep finding red flag families over and over and over and over again. I have fine-tuned my application process over and over. Each time I gain more skills on picking up red flag personalities/environments, but they keep slipping through. People morph like chameleons during the application process to show you a different picture then the mask falls off once they hire you. I have a deep understanding of personality disorders due to the family I was raised in, my past relationships, and my counseling training- and I pick up the flags extremely quickly but JUST too late . First day on the job usually. Without concrete professional “reasons” to give notice and leave. But I see it, I know how the working relationship will turn out, I know how they interact with their families. Fast forward 3-4 months later I am burnt out from hearing them being emotionally abusive to their spouses in front of me, belittling or ignoring their kids (things that qualify in the mental health field as emotional abuse but CPS laughs if you called them about- I know I’ve done it as a therapist). Burnt out from being set up with double-binds (situations that you literally cannot do the right thing in and that involve gaslighting). And I have to then give my notice claiming something unrelated like illness because I need to work my last 2 weeks and you do not give constructive feedback to people with unregulated personality disorders if you are their nanny stuck in their house.

There are always signs. Understanding attachment styles has ruined me. I used to think it was cute when a young child you just met tells you “I love you” in your first hour of caring for them. Or immediately says “I wish you were my mom”. Now I understand it as a warning sign. Non-discriminate bonding with strangers. Next I see the lack of attachment to the mom. I see emotional neglect happen in almost all these families . I see the moms view their Nannie’s as competition and try to one-up them or get angry/hostile when their kids bond with them. I see moms compete with their own young daughters for their husbands attention , having obvious “golden children” and “scape goats”.

I have left family after family after family becuase I’m tired of watching husbands yell at , gaslight, fat-shame their wives . And of course I know all the covert emotional control techniques that I used to be oblivious to. “Staying out of peoples business” isn’t an option because it happens immediately in my place of work day after day. Maybe if I were wearing ear plugs and lacked empathy, and unlearned everything I have learned about healthy relationships. Maybe if I did not value myself enough to work in a calm environment. And if these peoples actions existed in a vaccuum and didn’t impact the little kids I’m supposed to be protecting. Then I’d “mind my own business”. (Replying to terrible grin and bear it advice I’ve gotten in the past ).

I am losing hope that I will ever find a family who does not have at least one abusive family member, and who communicates generally assertively /non aggressively, and who can provide a safe, clean, and welcoming work environment for nannies . Completely losing hope.

I broke down crying at work today at a new job. Same thing different faces. There seems to be no escape.