This is going to be long, and a bit of a vent, sorry. (Disclaimer: I’m trying to tough it out until Covid slows down in my state, so please don’t advise “just quit”. I’m not in a position to do that financially.) I’m about at my wits end with F9. She has always been my “challenging” NK, from day one. Very little respect for my authority, parents are push overs, follow through is rare. We have had some genuine good times, but she has some personality issues. I don’t like to armchair diagnose, but she has many traits of ADD and ODD.

She’s very aggressive with everyone (including her younger siblings physically, her parents, her teachers, her peers...she really doesn’t have friends). She does better with structure and routine, but of course that isn’t always possible. My NF is not the most organized. NP have been trying to get her help. She was speaking to the school counselor every week until school ended last month. She has been in “book clubs” which are really small groups for building friendship skills via the school counselor (continued over the summer). She sees a therapist 3-4 times a month. The therapist is more into giving her comfort (tight hugs, gentle pressure points, etc) than skill building.

We routinely get the “ I’m dumb/I’m terrible/I can’t/I’m the worst” self deprecating talk that is typical of this age group. NP and I ignore it, because no matter what we say to the contrary, she rebuts. We give her lots of praise for appropriate behavior and state expectations clearly. She can be very sweet when she wants to and I praise her in front of her parents during those times. There is also a lot of age typical talk about everything ring “dumb” which is code for she’s bored or nervous or scared or frustrated. We try to discuss what she is really feeling. However, it often ends in her screaming.

BUT she can be downright cruel. She told F3 today “There are big spiders in our room and I watch them crawl on you when you sleep.” (NP are working to get F3 to sleep in her own bed and it’s a struggle.) Typical mean older sister things. I told her that was unhelpful and to stop. She later told F3 “I’m going to cut you and paint the bathroom with your blood.” She has told me she wishes my own children would die. This, to me, is not typical for a nine year old.

I do not like to get into power struggles with her so I am hands off for the most part (per NP). My job is to make sure she does her chores, encourage her to eat decent food, and limit her screen time. Today she was complaining she has no clean clothes. I told her, “Your chore is to unpack your suitcase from the weekend and put it in the washer. Then I can run it and you’ll have something to wear.” Her response was “I’ll do it later.” Fine, I’m not the one complaining about clothes. I reminded her an hour later and she told me “You’re not the boss of me. You need to shut up.”

I politely informed her I am, in fact, in charge of her when her parents are working, and she needed to do her chore. She then told me I was horrible and chores were “stupid”. I told her it was her choice to have dirty clothes, but I was telling her parents about the insults and she would lose some privileges.

About this time is when she said the blood thing to F3. DB heard that and sent her to her room. She stomped upstairs, sticking out her tongue at me and DB, and slamming the door. I gave him a brief rundown of the exchange and told him her attitude was not going to fly with me. I explained I can be calm and understanding of things to a point, but threatening her sibling and insulting me were beyond my limit. I told him about the loss of privilege and encouraged him to follow through.

What do I do from here? I’m going in early tomorrow to talk to MB. I can’t keep up with this every day. Most days she is indifferent, sone days she’s fine, but days like this when she is viscous, I have no desire to stay working there. It’s emotionally exhausting. I am the longest employed nanny they have had (almost three years), so she’s not trying me out because I’m new. Any suggestions are appreciated.