I’m at my wit’s end with my oldest NK (9F). She has a younger sibling (5F) who is mostly ok unless the older one is encouraging her to engage in bad behavior.

For background, I know the oldest NK is neurodivergent but I don’t know what the diagnosis is. She is in a type of virtual therapy that combines tutoring and therapy. I’m not an expert, but I frankly think NK needs additional support. The mom acknowledges that the child is “out of control” and she is also at a loss as to how to manage the behavior issues. I’ve asked the mom if the therapist has pointers for how to handle NK’s struggles and how they as parents would like me to handle things. The mom told me that she often acts out for attention and that I should ignore it. MB made it seem like she’d follow up but hasn’t yet (it’s only been a few days).

While I know that neurodivergence is a major factor here, I also think the lack of firm boundaries and discipline plays a huge role. NK pretty much runs the household and behaves very spoiled.

Example of a recent situation:

Last week when the girls had piano lessons and the oldest kept interrupting when it was the little sister’s turn. I previously told her that if we did that, we’d have to leave the room so we weren’t distracting. As I was guiding her out of the room, she grabbed onto the little sister and refused to let go. I held onto the older sister and told her repeatedly and firmly to let go. MB often works from home and saw this and with her help, it took a few minutes to get NK to release her sister.

This week, I said we would stay in her room while the little sister plays piano in the living room because of last week’s behavior. The older sister laid down in the hallway by the living room and kept yelling to interrupt. She refused to move to her room and was ruining the piano lesson. I had to pick her up while she’s fighting me and take her into her room and physically block the door. I told her when she was ready, we could read or play in her room. She hid behind a curtain the whole time and when it was her turn, she tried to grab onto her sister and refuse to go.

I really hate having to try to pick up a 9YO who is physically fighting me and basically force them to do something even if I’m as gentle as humanly possible. It makes me really uncomfortable because she is a big kid but sometimes it seems there’s no other choice.

Other examples of the behaviors: * She doesn’t like me being in a position of authority. For example, we were crossing the street and she didn’t want me holding her younger siblings hand. She grabbed her little sister (she often does this as a means to gain control or leverage when she’s mad) and tried to get her to quickly walk ahead of me. Obviously, I put a stop to that immediately. I told her it wasn’t safe and we’d wait on the sidewalk until she released her sister and they both held my hands. * When she needs to do something, she screams, runs away, and often hides behind a curtain. *Is generally rude and has a bad attitude (i.e., standing behind MB while making faces and mocking me) * Frequently has manipulative tantrums usually accompanied by fake crying. * Often behaves more like a toddler than a 9YO. For example, she wanted a snack and stomped her foot repeatedly while yelling “Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!” until MB gave her a snack (I do not reward that kind of behavior). * Manipulates her younger sibling into acting out. She will (loudly) whisper things like “Nanny is being so annoying. Don’t practice piano or take a shower when she asks.” She also just generally “whispers” mean things about me in my presence. * Constantly threatens me with “I’m telling mommy!” I always reply with “Ok, we can talk to mommy about this situation together.” * “You can’t make me” is her mantra.

I’ll add some things I’ve already tried in the comments. Any advice? 😅