Just wanted to go on a few coffee dates to see where I am on the dating scale. Like, am I a green flag, a red flag, or three vanilla munchkins in a trench coat? Not really looking to do anything spicy for this request (or seriously date), but I’m not going to say no to the Larry David of my dreams.

Yes, being subjected to subway showtime! still counts as romance. If you’re into poetry, I can read you the beautiful Reddit messages I receive. I still want to explore the fantasies from my previous posts (re: your lovely hype girl, cuddling, taxicab confessional, a date with grandma, handjobs, blowjobs—which all might be thinly veiled innuendos, especially that last one) so come help your penpal out. And if you’re into discussing unneeded life questions (do you wash new underwear as opposed to wearing it out of the packaging?) then I’m yours.

interests: introspective dumbassery, handjobs, bjs with condoms, pinpointing the guy doing yogabatics for their poor sticky balls. I can help with the unsticking, you just have to host.

you: mid 20s to late 30s, single, at peace with conversation. be hygienic. I’m going to straight up give you a listerine strip if your breath smells.

I prefer meeting in Manhattan, Hoboken, or JC. If you’re not into my boring foreplay of conversation and laughter then we aren’t a good match. And as always: a response to your message doesn’t mean I’m obligated to suck your dick.

Valentine prose from my inbox:

“8in bbc from queens hmu” (why are there so many 8in bbc from queens in my inbox? is this the same person messaging me from multiple accounts or is everyone from queens being bitten by a radioactive spider?)

“hey”

“The streets have been missing one of your banger posts for a while 🫡” (I think my new post is subpar, but thanks for your message)

“need handjob” (are you asking me if I need one)

“hey!”

“What an amazing post …i read the whole thing”

“hey”

[someone sent me a photo with his upper torso wet with no context] ??

“Hi I’m […] about 20 mins south of Hoboken. I won’t bombard you with a laundry list of hobbies just of gifs of me cumming” What is 20 minutes south of Hoboken? Are we talking about a 20 minute walk? A 20 minute car ride? A 20 minute PATH delay despite STILL bypassing Hoboken?

“hey, still looking?”