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https://preview.redd.it/f7sczttqp5751.png?width=480&format=png&auto=webp&s=90fd65517969c24b79671877558dafffb2984837

Empathy for myself
When I saw this image come through my feed yesterday, I got "triggered." It isn't just about the image itself, but things it reminds me of as well. My reaction exists in the context of previous experiences I've had with the word 'gaslighting.'

I ended up engaging in a huge back and forth of comments with the acquaintance who posted it that did not lead to increased connection or understanding (at least not considerably, or in the short term - maybe it will in the future).

When I see the word "gaslighting" used to describe someone asking a question or saying their opinion, I feel...angry, and afraid. Even panicky, maybe.

I am reminded of a short (few months) relationship I had in which during numerous conflicts, the other person accused me of gaslighting when, in my evaluation, it was a disagreement. My evaluation is that they couldn't handle hearing another narrative about the situation and didn't have the emotional/mental strength to honor their own experience without someone else perceiving things the same way. They perceived my different experience as an annihilation of their experience.

That's all evaluation. But I'm wondering how NVC consciousness can help me here. (I think it can.)

One thing I noticed is that this meme does not actually tell me anything directly about the person's experience as they hear these things. I can guess. But it's hard to even want to guess, because I am so angry and hurt about the word 'gaslighting' being used to describe someone having a different perception of a situation. That is not gaslighting, in my *evaluation* (<--recognizing the evaluation).

I don't like it because I need...safety. For people to be honest about their perceptions. And while I do want to acknowledge racial pain and injustice (using that evaluation for shorthand as well), and I have seen many examples of situations where one person (or more) denied race being a factor when I would have said it was, I've also been in the other type of situation: where someone interpreted my behavior as racist when I am confident it wasn't.

The reasons being that 1) in that situation, she was reacting to her perception of standoffishness from me that I am confident was actually coming from me being socially awkward/reserved and 2) I didn't even perceive her as non-white - she is very light-skinned.

So in that situation, in my opinion, it was not racist that I wasn't super friendly to her just because we had some mutual acquaintances. I'm not friendly to a lot of people (see: social awkwardness).

All this kind of proves MBR's point about opinions and evaluations just being argument-fodder.

Empathy for the other/ acknowledging my own needs to consider others, contribute, and be in integrity with all needs mattering
And then here's the other side of it (and I hope anyone who engaged with this kept reading to this point and will read this part).

I see that there have been multiple physically violent hate crimes committed in the past few days, and I am aware this isn't new. A black woman in Milwaukee set on fire in Milwaukee (while being called the n-word). Michael Jackson's niece stabbed (while being called the n-word). Black men hanging from nooses - and nooses hanging in public places without people in them as well. I can imagine people responding to all this stuff I've expressed by calling it "white tears" or, in more long-form and clear words, by saying that the amount of time I've devoted to my personal feelings about not being understood is not commensurate with the damage done, compared to the amount of time I devote to working to help people be safe from racially targeted violence.

Part of me feels that way too. I want integrity, and care and safety for others, and perspective about how my challenges and unmet needs fit into the broader situation of the world. I do. But my feelings are so immediate, and happening inside my body, and I don't know the people personally who are affected by this, and I feel overwhelmed thinking about all the similar things that happen like this in the world.

But I also have been convinced - in large part by NVC - that "jackal" language is part of what perpetuates these things. And that's what I want to work on. That's where I want to put my focus in helping shift the tragedy of unmet needs. I think I am continually in pain and heartbroken because I want more shared reality about how framing things in certain ways can contribute to violence (this is an evaluation though, huh? how do I translate that to giraffe?) and also appreciation for how I contribute to social change work through a focus on a shift in consciousness related to NVC.

And that brings up even more stuff like, "Well, if I'm not getting appreciation, then that must/might mean I am not actually contributing,"....

I don't have an easy place to pause here.

What I might like back on this post is
1) reflections of what I've shared
2) any needs that you also have about any of this
3) help exploring all of the needs under evaluative statements I've made, and that others have made.

• And to start on this, I can empathize with the original meme. I think the person who made it feels exasperated, exhausted, angry, hurt, and probably other things when she hears these kinds of statements. I think she wants understanding, to be heard, support, to matter and be cared for.

The types of responses I would find difficult right now and ask you refrain from are:
-Fueling the fire in either direction, with jackal statements like "You are being racially insensitive/selfish/privileged," OR the flip side of "The person who made this is such and such" "Activists are terrible at communicating" etc.