I am a thirty-seven year-old married man, dammit. I’m sick of these twenty-something girls promising to "ruin my life," only to vanish after one moderately-priced meal. My life needs unraveling, and I’m starting to think "Danger" is ignoring my messages.

I want someone to fuck up my life so completely that it sees its entire existence flash before its eyes. Someone who'll convince me to blow all my money on pointless shit and hotel rooms they’ll never even see the inside of.

I need someone who’d let me eat them out in the front exhibit of CMAG while their friend films it, then use the footage to blackmail me like it's no big deal.

Where are the women who’ll call my wife at 10pm, asking when they’re moving in because I “told them I love them” and promised them a new life?

Let’s be clear: I’m not here for your half-assed FinDom hustle or to roleplay some fantasy life over Snapchat that never leaves the DMs.

I want a woman who knows how to dismantle my life piece by piece—and make me forget it’s happening the whole time.