I’ve finally realized one of my biggest problems dating was whom I was filtering in since it was one train wreck after another. And this was after a five year abusive relationship that literally nearly killed me on several occasions regaining consciousness to find my abuser “saving me”. After listening to a couple podcast episodes on addiction to drama and narcissism, I’m afraid I might not have learned my lesson. I married my wife after 8 years of great friendship. Many times we walked away from things wondering if it was a date and the few times it was the date was canceled. We became best friends, but i question now if it was love bombing. We were so close though, I was one of the first persons she told after an unintended pregnancy. The chemistry between us has always been insane, even when she ran into me while on a date. I’ve always loved her and she claims to have always loved me. We are now married, I adopted my son (I’ll never see him differently and the guy that tested the 99.9% effective claim for lack of a better title), and we have a daughter together. While she was my best friend, things are different now. I should have seen the red flags earlier. She doesn’t respect boundaries. A silly, but good example, of this is she continuously comes into the bathroom while I’m sitting on the throne. I pointed out several times how this makes me uncomfortable and she told me “don’t worry it doesn’t bother me I’m a nurse”. I told her I don’t care if it bothers her, it bothers me, and it still happens that while I’m in the bathroom that’s the exact moment she needs to remove her contacts, apply deodorant, or brush her teeth as if this isn’t a regular thing that can be planned around. On more serious notes, she now accuses me of being an alcohol, yet insists we go on a yearly vacation to an all inclusive resort with unlimited alcohol constantly pressed into your face. If this is what she believes, this feels like a trap. She doesn’t seem connected to reality and will believe something even in the face of concrete evidence. I’ve pointed out Facebook is interfering with family time and she says she’s hardly on it despite me constantly seeing her doom scrolling and screen time saying she spends 12 hours a week on there. I recently had a hernia repaired, and was on restrictions where I couldn’t bend or lift more than ten pounds for six weeks. Hard to do with a thirty pound still in diapers. Less than 24 hours after surgery, she left me watching the two kids having to put them to bed while still on pain meds and restrictions. I voiced my concern and she assured me that she felt it was safe and volleyball is important to her so it’s ok. I had to find a neighbor to put the kids to bed as I could hardly walk. This happened three more times, each time she told me it was my responsibility to get help, not hers to plan this ahead for her recreational activities. Throughout the recovery, she insisted I do things my doctor explicitly said I shouldn’t do because it was good for me and it’s important to her. She needs breaks. We sought help from a marriage counselor, but frankly it only made it worse. The therapist seemed to only think I was in the wrong, let my wife monopolize every session, and only took progress reports from my wife. When I voiced anything otherwise, I was told to stop being so depressed and anxious. I now have my wife using my depression, anxiety, adhd, and ptsd as ways to excuse her behavior as it’s only wrong in my head. There are frequently things she says I agreed to, that I have no recollection of. She just uses these and possible alcoholism to gaslight me. Right now, she is insisting I tell my parents I am an alcoholic, that I’m bisexual (my parents would disown me), and that any part of a rift between them and her is my fault. To be fair, I have infrequently vented to them, but have quit as I see it’s wrong. She said if I don’t confess this, she will do it for me and falsely allege I have hit her which due to my mental health issues, everyone will believe. Long story short, I’m terrified of my wife. She can easily ruin my life as I’m a school psychologist and any allegations will ruin my professional career. I also couldn’t have a chance of seeing my kids then. I’ve brought up divorce, but she says she will never let that happen and in Ohio, you need your spouse to agree you’re incompatible so I’m stuck there. I don’t know what to do. How do I protect myself from her? Is it possible to get my best friend back? Is it possible to have a successful marriage? If you need more details, please let me know.