I’m not diagnosed but have an ADHD diagnosis. Due to this, I always felt like my feelings weren’t always justified. I’ve been called a narcissist before multiple times but it never really sunk in. I started dating my girlfriend almost 6yrs ago, and so many things have happened that it almost always felt like a breakup was inevitable. Even how we met and it started was impulsive. “I don’t want to be a failure”, so I always let things slide. Like if we break up then I have nothing and have to actually focus on myself. That’s what I really need but how?

So many little things that I should’ve put my foot down on, that I just accepted or forgot. It feels like she doesn’t truly respect me. Moreso, in love with the idea of me and someone that will always be there no matter what. She’s a very nice person and does good things for me, but it feels like I only have this relationship because I continuously ignored my needs. If I didn’t put my life on pause to have her in it, then I wouldn’t even have her. Almost like I had to perform and deny myself to keep this going. I always held on to the thought that “once we move from our hometown” everythng will be fine. Now that we have, it’s almost like I didn’t want the whole relationship in the first place but never wanted to hurt her. The longer I stay the more I hurt and end up being mean or ruminating on the past. I don’t know if I stayed out of pity, I even left to start my whole life over just to keep her in it and move to be with me. I have too much control and I don’t like it. She’ll do anything to be with me, but all I can see are the half breakups that would be justified, never forgetting how i was wronged, and it’s become a love/hate situation. Almost like i wish she would just leave me. Like the only way i can have her is to put myself on the back burner and let her use me. It feels like the walls are closing in and all I can see is the writing on the wall that was probably there from the beginning.

I just feel like a user, but I don’t even know what I wanted to get. I’m realizing how broken I am and how this person can’t save me and how I’m going to leave them more broken than they were.I feel better off alone and more at peace. Yet, all my actions are to save her, she’s not growing and it’s frustrating me. Almost like I projected what I wanted onto her and she could never measure up, and now I have to ruin both of our lives and accept it. I didn’t think I was wearing a mask but my views on the relationship are so conflicting that it’s driving me crazy.I have nowhere to run or anyone to blame besides me. Did I see her as a project? Anyone been here? like they’re living a lie and now it’s time to face the music.

TLDR: I started a relationship when i was obviously emotionally unavailable, and I put everything to the side for this person. Now, I’m mad at myself and feel dumb that I couldn’t accept reality. I don’t know what to think, feel, or what’s real. I don’t know if ending it is self sabotage or what I was supposed to do awhile back. I’m just lost