Its taken me an entire lifetime to open my eyes. I can't speak for all of you but what they say about us being uncaring isn't true for me, though its true I've done shitty things without knowing why. Although I've really cared about people, I understand now that Ive never empathised with them, even when I gave my time with nothing to gain. I genuinely didnt know how much humanity I was missing. Always seeking supply.

All the good things I've ever done were taken away or re-scripted in peoples minds after I was correctly assumed and exposed to have NPD. It was such a painful injury I blocked it out. Narcacistic amnesia. Now I understand why they all thought it was insincere.

I've been actively working on it for years, without knowing exactly what was wrong. I tried to take accountability for being shitty but just didn't quite make the connections, and was still in a heavy stage of narcacistic injury for the last five years, often relapsing and forgetting, rearranging things. Some things were blocked out the entire time I was working it all out.

The narcacists road map is like an ever shifting maze, and the amnesia makes you forget where you've been. Ive made it all the way out now, and can see the whole picture. All the pitfalls and dead ends. All the good deeds and bad.

I'm a narcacist of the needy, dillusional, unsuccessful type. I give off a creepy aura. My narcacist slap-happy parents never showed me any empathy, so I had no concept of it. I was bullied relentlessly by my 'friends' and rejected by everyone else. People could see that I wasnt like them, and they wanted to put a name to my weirdness, so some pretty horrible rumours have circulated about me for decades, which I was of course in denial about. I have been in constant pain my entire life and it has made me broken and unaware of how I've affected people. Even though those rumours and suspicions are incorrect, I think that was the final straw which cemented me in NPD. I understand now how and why I scare people.

Even if those rumours aren't true, I've hurt people in other ways, and the moral injury of that is unbearable. The cruel and unnecessary things I've said to people. I thought, "Its okay if its only a joke". If their pain was real then mine was too, so I imagined it was all a game.

It's like thought it was all just a movie.

I don't know where to go from here. I can see the depth and colour of the world now and its overwhelming.

I hope this is somehow useful to any of you on your journeys. I just want you to know that you can wake up.