Schizoid Narcissist here.

Well, title says it all. I'm exhausted. Exhausted with myself and my internal conflict. It seems like whatever I do or think causes turmoil in myself. What am I supposed to do? Kill myself?

I ended up telling someone close to me there was no reason to be friends with someone "If they serve no function or purpose".. basically told her I didn't see the point in us talking for the sake of talking, which she disagreed with. She was so upset she never talked to me again after we said goodnight. Now, part of me wants to talk to her because it feeds my ego and gives me an excuse to talk about myself etc. The other part knows I'm a horrible pos and she is much better off without me in her life, so I don't want to bother her. Hence why I don't.

This feeling transcends this one scenario and applies to other areas of my life. I avoid taking part in social rituals like small talk or being friendly, getting to know people etc because I have to feign interest constantly. I hate how it makes me feel. I'd rather be alone and a bit depressed than be outgoing and go full narcissist on people. What if they open up to me and I have to pretend I give a shit about their problems? It's not fair on anyone.

So what is the solution? How do you approach life with other people when you simultaneously don't care about them yet want them to give you attention? I think the problem stems from guilt. I know I'm bad... but I'm trapped being me. I don't want to be me. Any attempt of acting different makes me feel like I'm dying a little inside.

Sorry for rambling. I've had a lot on my mind for a while with nobody to tell.