Hello all Id like to start by saying im highly self aware narcissist with ASPD traits. This makes it very difficult for me interact with regular people.

Growing up i became self aware rather quickly and was always really confused when i was being told i shouldnt get my way. I shouldnt have other people do things for me even though i could get them to. People shouldnt give me things because its not nice. I disagree, i think if someone of their own free will decides to give me something whether i manipulated them or not isnt my problem. Quite frankly i believe if your not intelligent enough or cautious enough then its your own fault.

I was raised not to manipulate people and to help them when i could. So i became stuck in constant loops where i wanted something but my mothers voice was constantly telling me i shouldnt. As i got older i found that whether i was manipulating people to get what i wanted or being nice like my mother wanted me to, people either left or tried to take advantage of me. I enjoy solitude far too much to tolerate or care about either of those things.

Ive recently had a snap to clarity in that im going to trust my narcissistic ego more often but im curious if there are others who have had this struggle. Being self aware and trying not manipulate people, sometimes its just too easy not to though, but kind of being irritated by the fact that your not living or existing the way you want to.