I just got told by the CIA in the form of a ferret with hemorrhoids that I need to create a self-help post specifically targeting a demographic that I don't really have a detailed knowledge of what they specifically need help with, so hold on folks because this is going to be a shitshow. God help me if the aliens start mind-controlling me and I begin talking about my favorite flavor of piss (it's diabetic asparagus droplets from the edge of the bowl, fyi).

So, what's self-help? It's help…that you give yourself. Thank you for buying my self-help book, you can pick up its sequel, "How to Wipe Your Own Ass in Six Easy Steps," in the gift store on your way out. God bless you, you luminous soul you.

…ok, what the fuck do you mean you need help with self-help? It's self-evident how you improve your life. I was once a dumpster fire of a human being. Liar. Thief. Drug addict. Felonious sex criminal according to sixteen state laws (was seventeen, but my God is Oklahoma becoming open-minded). But, you know what? I came to hate myself and decided to become Jesus Christ incarnate, and I just did that. You make choices and steer yourself to the future you want to be in. Every moment's a choice, or an opportunity, or a juncture. Be mindful and just make good choices.

How long do you have to do that for? Well, it took about a decade to achieve my whole transformation, but after maybe six months, I noticed that my efforts to change were starting to take effect, so that's the timeline you're working with. If you are trying to improve in some way and aren't manifesting any change in that window, you need to shake things up in your strategy because what you have been doing sucks balls like a shop vac on a golf course.

But, I hear you whiny bastards from here: what's a good methodology to change? I guess since I'm a giant narcissist, I could improve myself by giving a shit about other people and start putting their needs above mine and actually try with this post. So, the first thing you do is you gain perspective on what you're doing that isn't ideal. Addicted to fucking hamsters? Well, I guess you will notice that's fucked when the pet store starts asking questions. Get some feedback from other people and actually listen, God dammit! If you were so perfect that you didn't need to grow and evolve, the bitch who wrote the dictionary wouldn't have invented the word "narcissist" in the first place.

Well, that's an interesting statistical anomaly of a coincidence. But, really, you can only begin self-help when you identify what you need help with. Be honest with yourself so you can get a real solid foundation that you can stand on so you can push the boulder that is you up a hill and into a new valley. If you don't know what you want to improve about yourself, you're just shitting in the wind.

Ah shit…I'm sorry folks, but I'm hitting a roadblock here. I'm going to have to ask my new disciple and part-time hackshaw driver what they think I should do…ah nuts, they're shaving their front lawn again. Well, I'll just try something. Anything's better than just sitting around picking your asshole. And that's the second thing you should do. You need to attempt to paddle your boat yourself or else you're going to be beholden to the currents that have led you to where you are today. And only you know where you want to sail, so use that big sponge in your head to devise what direction you apply your efforts towards.

What's this look like though? Well, let's take a look at some examples. Let's say you're addicted to juggling; just can't put those props down long enough to count your dick. Well, you gotta figure out how you're going to distance yourself from what you juggle. Physically separate yourself and find distractions, like a new hobby, so you condition yourself out of old habits, and then you will start to feel the impulse to manipulate objects to wane over time, until you're not an addict anymore. Totally not how I quit my horrific porn addiction, btw. 

Now, let's examine another example in closer detail. I'll just pick a demographic that needs help from this hat here at random…let's see…oh! Narcissists! Isn't that peculiar? Well, if you're a narcissist, then your God is your ego. This happened because you were wounded in your development and you isolated your sense of self away from the world, comforting yourself with self-soothing validation. Then the wound started to heal, but it calloused over, leaving that impulse to worship yourself as a bug in your operating system. Thus, you create a skewed sense of reality because you don't know how to break away from your shifty thoughts and bring them down to Earth. The solution is to mindfully rebuild your sense of self so that you are connected to others again. Many spiritual practices offer a path to doing this, but be careful! Too much spirituality and you become a zealot, and too little will revert you to worshiping the only God you have known: you. The middle way is the answer, and since I mentioned that Buddhist concept, I just have to mention that I've developed a syncretic brand of educational and inspirational posts generally aimed at people with mental health issues that is primarily based on the Buddhist philosophy, but spiced up with some clever marketing and modern language. There's a lot in that document, so go bananas if you got the time.

Now, let's say that you can't get yourself to do the thing you came up with to improve your life. That's easy peasy to fix! You just gotta build your willpower because free will is a skill. Your agency, and thus your capacity to help yourself stop being a shit sandwich, is like a muscle. The more you use it, the better it gets. So train like Rocky taking on a cybernetically enhanced gorilla on steroids.

Here's a couple things that are like sit-ups for your willpower. Push yourself while working out. Fast often. Go without sleep for a day or two. Stand on one leg for as long as you can. Sit in a busy public area and stare straight ahead, defying your impulse to track the pedestrians waltzing through your gaze. That last one was taught to me by the Illuminati and is also a good tactic to fix the bugs in your attention algorithm caused by porn addiction. Yes, people can notice that you oogle at writhing bodies too much because porn is literally worse than meth for fucking your brain up. 

Am I accidentally turning this into a post targeting two separate demographics? Nah, I'm obviously just trying to help chronically masturbating narcissists. Or maybe I only know how to fix the problems that I had, and I'm learning how to help others because I teach myself by writing about things. That's actually something you can do to correct your behavior over time: journal. Don't worry about what the fuck you're writing, just create a stream of consciousness diarrhea flow to the max. You don't want to use your editing brain because by letting your raw muse wail like a banshee, you're going to gain insight into your subconscious and see where the bugs in your operating system are and thus glean some insight on how to fix them.

Well, I've been at this for a couple hours now and I just started drinking since it just turned nine in the morning, so I'm just going to pat myself on the back and say I did a good job. I hope I could help you help yourself in some way, and I just want to end this on a sober note. You have no idea how broken I was a decade ago. After my mental breakdown in college, I was downing a handful of Benadryl everyday and masturbating for like ten hours straight. My schizoaffective disorder and PTSD were so bad that they rendered me incapable of doing much else. As a result, I regressed into becoming a complete sociopath, having lost all hope in life and faith in humanity. There wasn't a moment I wasn't thinking about killing myself. But now look at me. I'm a messiah candidate working in parallel with the CIA, and although I'm a performance artist playing a character to better market my writing, I'm objectively a paragon of virtue in real life who has completely conquered the beast that is my sexuality. I could not be happier or more hopeful for the future. If I can do that, what's stopping you from actualizing your divinity? The answer is nothing, so stop reading my bullshit and go help yourself, you God damn miracle you. I have faith in you. Much love, and good luck, friend. May your journey be as blessed as mine.