Alright, you sadistic bastards of /r/NLBest, it's time to roast the shit out of these pathetic excuses for baseball teams in the NL West. Grab your tissues and prepare your downvotes because we're going in hard and dry.

San Francisco Giants: Oh, the fucking Giants. You know what's more deflated than a Barry Bonds' post-steroid testicle? Your goddamn team's performance since 2014. You guys haven't won a World Series in almost a decade, and now that Buster Posey retired, you're left with a gaping hole that not even your overpriced Silicon Valley dildos can fill. Enjoy watching your geriatric roster crumble like the San Andreas fault line while the Dodgers continue to dominate your asses.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Speaking of those Hollywood cocksuckers, congrats on finally winning a World Series in 2020 after choking harder than a porn star on her first day. Too bad it took a fucking pandemic and shortened season for you to pull it off. And how about that 2022 Division Series loss to the Padres? Must have felt like getting kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse himself. Keep spending all that money for an annual October choke job, you soulless bastards.

San Diego Padres: Ah, the Padres - the red-headed stepchild of California baseball. You guys are like a shitty rollercoaster at SeaWorld - lots of ups and downs but ultimately just there to distract from the fact that you're drowning in mediocrity. Your team has never won a World Series, and honestly, I'd be surprised if any of your fans can even remember what success tastes like without googling it first. Enjoy living in the shadow of LA and SF while desperately clinging onto Fernando Tatis Jr.'s dick like it's your only hope.

Colorado Rockies: Jesus Christ, just rename yourselves to the Colorado Participation Trophies already. You've got a stadium that's basically Viagra for hitters, and yet you still can't get it up when it matters most. The only thing thinner than the air in Denver is your fucking playoff resume. Good luck ever attracting a decent pitcher to your mile-high shitshow - they'd rather play in Siberia than deal with Coors Field's inflated ERAs.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Last but certainly least, we have the Arizona Dumpsterfires. Your team peaked in 2001, which is coincidentally the same year most of your fanbase lost their virginity to a cactus. The only thing more barren than the Arizona desert is your trophy case. Enjoy watching Madison Bumgarner ride off into the sunset on his dirt bike while you continue to wallow in irrelevance.

So there you have it, you masochistic fucks - a roast so brutal it'll make you question why you even bother watching baseball anymore. Now go cry into your overpriced beer and foam fingers while these teams continue to disappoint you year after year.